I want this more than anything

I moved to Cambridge a week ago, and honestly things have been looking up since. I used to be worried all the time during school, especially with exams, feeling left out with friends, when I lost my friend, and the worry of being pregnant. It’s like, I can be anyone I want to be right now, especially because no one knows who I am, but also, I need to set an image that I’m capable of this job. I never wanted anything more. I always say I want something, but only when it’s too fucking late. When I said I wanted to be in chem eng, I was failing everything. This time, I just want to be able to do this, right off the bat. I want this, I want this more than anything, and I want to be able to prove to them that I am capable. My biggest fear is staying at my desk and watching Youtube videos all day. I hate that feeling of feeling useless and incapable. I want to fill in Mak’s shoes and be able to make him proud, basically. Tomorrow’s a new day, and I’m definitely going to kiss ass and do things just so I always have something to do.

Honestly, I’m just excited for this part in my life where my main priority is my job. Where my whole life revolves around my career and nothing else. Where I stay overtime at the job, busy with papers and documents, and being the kind of person people can come up to and ask for help. I really want to prove myself and this is the perfect time to.

I’m super excited, and I’m not even concerned about meeting someone new, aka a new guy in my life. I’m genuinely just interested in my job, and doing things that made me interested in engineering in the first place. This is good. This is great. And honestly, I’ll keep you updated on it.

Until then, see you!

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Disa-grieving

I went to Monika’s funeral mass today and I can honestly say it was the saddest thing. I’ve cried so many times over her, it’s just like now I’m back to the stage of disbelief that she’s gone. I still can’t believe it. I still can’t picture my life without her… I keep expecting her to message me on Snapchat or on fucking Instagram, but that’s not happening. It just feels like she’s going on a really, really long trip, but she’ll always be a phonecall away. That’s not the case. But anyway, I was at the funeral, and the priest said something about this being our final goodbye. To send her off with a final goodbye. It hurt. Because she’s actually gone. She’s actually, actually gone, and it’s painful to admit it. I hate saying she passed, or that she’s d-word, because I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want to believe that she’s out of my life forever. She still appears on my Facebook chats, and Snapchat list, and like it sucks because it just makes me think she’s still there. I get sad every time I think about her and I feel so heavy. I still can’t fucking admit that she’s gone. Why does this hurt so much? I literally feel like my heart is so fucking heavy when I’m alone. I don’t want to talk about this with anyone because they just don’t get it, and I don’t want to bother them with the pain. How do you even deal with the fact your best friend is grieving over someone you don’t even know?

Like I’ve been saying from the last few posts, there is so much more to life than what I thought. I’m so over being dependent over validation from guys. I’m over feeling like I need to prove myself with people. I’m over trying to fight for things that don’t even matter. I need to start using my life to fight for people/things that truly matter. Ever since I let go of the whole “need someone to be my other half”- I’ve been feeling so much better about myself. My good friend fucking died because she hated life and I’m not going to let that happen to me. I’m over fucking crying over petty shit. There are new opportunities everywhere and fuck me if I’m going to let it stop me. There is so much life to live. So many things to do. So much time. I need to stop feeling like I’m not worth it, and doing things that don’t make me happy. I need to focus on myself and make myself believe that I am worth it and that I can take this on.

I don’t need a guy to make me feel like I’m worth this. And that’s why when CJ asked when on the timeline I’m going to find a guy, I’m not concerned. My priorities in life revolve around my career, my friends, and my family (not in that particular order). I will cherish the three until the time comes along when I’m ready for a relationship, but I am definitely not ready for that. I am not ready to commit myself and have my whole life revolve around them. I’m not ready to feel like I am giving half of myself. I need to concentrate and I need to do me. I love my friends and I love my family. I don’t want to do that any less.

 

I miss you

It’s painful to know that you’re gone, still. I’m having my peaks. It’s all coming in waves. It’s sometimes I’m really okay and I’m laughing until tears fall with Sargam, or I’m crying randomly while I’m reading notes on Merchant’s Circle. Sometimes I’d sit there in disbelief that Monika’s really gone, and sometimes I’d sit there, hitting me that she is gone. It hurts so much that everything now is starting to remind me of her, and more and more every day it’s becoming so real. It hurts because I wasn’t there for her. I wasn’t there for her last few days, and I wasn’t making an effort to put her first in my life. She was so fucking important to me and yet it’s only shown when she’s gone. She considered me one of her really good friends, and someone really important to her, and I never once called her my best friend. She appreciated me so much and I didn’t even think twice. I only messaged her when I wanted to and hung out when I wanted to. I miss her. I will miss her. The thing is like I keep thinking that I’ll see her when I see her, but that’s not the case. She’s like no longer in my life. I can’t just call her up and ask her what’s she doing, or comment and tell her that this post reminds me of her. I’m going to miss our depressing (can’t even talk about that anymore) jokes, how much we hated everyone, the drugs we wanted to do for Veld, we talked about our kids hating each other… We talked about so many fucking things that made me so sad thinking about the future because they’re not true anymore. I pictured growing older and seeing how successful she’ll be. She was the smartest person I know and I just never thought things would end the way they did.

I’ve said this so many times, but nothing comes to comparison to this feeling. I just want to cry all the time, and I just want to sit and wallow about what happened. Half of me just wants to brush it off and not even think about it. Half of me just wants to cry so fucking much. I’ve having breakdowns here and there, and I could just picture Monika saying, “Jani, stop!” I can fucking hear her call me Jani, and I could hear at Plato’s Closet, telling me that she loved her nickname, Mo. I can hear her being so proud that I passed 3E. I remember her following me outside when I found out I failed 3E. When she came to my birthday when no one showed up. She always there for me, whenever I needed her and how the fuck am I not going to have that in my life anymore? I told her that she was one of the few girls that I was so fucking comfortable with. She was one of the few girls that I could talk about anything with and be myself with. Unlike my friends in first year, I could just let loose and she wouldn’t judge me.

Monika, you were such an amazing person. We had our ups and downs, but more ups than downs. I will always remember you as the girl who was always fucking there for me and made me feel so good about myself when I was at my lowest. You were seriously the smartest person I know (which I told you several, several times), and I’m so sorry that you’re gone. I’m so sorry that you were suffering.

Fourth kill

I mean, yes, seeing him for a bit got me a little shook, considering I haven’t seen him in a while, and especially because he hasn’t messaged me since. But it’s like, what did I really expect? You know what I did, though? I ignored him. I put my earphones in and seriously just focused on my lectures. He was talking to CJ the whole time, which is fine, but I realized a few days ago that I seriously don’t deserve this. I can’t waste anymore of my life time being upset because a guy doesn’t feel the same way about me. Like Monika fucking died and I’m upset over guys who don’t message me? My dad almost died, and I’m worrying about whether or not I should ask him to spend the night with me after my exam? Fuck that. I have an exam to worry about on Wednesday and what is this guy going to provide for me? Nothing. Boys just honestly cause stress in my life and if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I’m over trying for this bullshit and chasing after the least important things.

What really matters is that Monika didn’t live a life she wanted to live, and I have my own chance at it. I have a chance to pursue things I always wanted to do, and I’m not letting my feelings for a guy affect that. I’m over trying to satisfy my needs with guys and having to feel like I need someone to make me feel better. My education. My future. My work. Family. So many things are important out there and it’s definitely not a guy I fucked a few days ago.

And that’s what he was.

And that’s what he’ll always be.

He’s just kill #4 and I’m leaving it at that.

A funny thing called life

The last two days have been terribly tough. It really did take a toll on me, and honestly, I’m still speechless about what happened. Yesterday, my dad had a heart attack, and I heard from his coworker (and a friend of mine) that he had a heartache in the middle of his presentation and got sent to the hospital. I was later told that if they didn’t call 911 right away, I could’ve lost my dad.

Then today, I lost a friend of mine. Actually, she wasn’t just a friend; she was definitely someone I considered someone actually really important in my life. She was one of the first friends I made in university and lasted throughout these four years. I could depend on her to be there for me every time I needed it, and support me like my number one fan. She always saw the best in me, and always cherished our friendship, regardless of where we were in our lives, and the distance between us. We drifted, but she was definitely someone I wanted in my life to see me grow and change throughout the next decades. I didn’t thank her for being there, for always listening, for being the greatest friend anyone could ask for. And to me, it was like distance didn’t mean a thing, because I could also reach out to her with a single phonecall or a text- but she’s gone. Like forever. I can’t even contact her and that’s what scares me the most. This isn’t just one of those times where we just drift into our own lives, she’s actually gone. And I’m sad. I’m really sad. I’m really fucking sad about it because I miss her. I’m going to miss her and it sucks I can’t tell her that. I couldn’t tell her how much she meant to me, because she really fucking did.

This just puts everything to perspective, that life is more than just stupid fuck boys or not getting what you want. This is life. This is the real shit that really matters. All the times I ever cried for a guy- this is nothing in comparison. A piece of me actually feels like it’s been taken away. It hurts. I just wish she knew that everyone loved her and that she was someone so important. And I wish I was there to tell her this. It’s like the constant question of, what if I was there for her during the last seconds of her death? What if I was there the day before? She’s gone, man. And I can never see her again. This would’ve been so different. Why the hell did you go, Monika? I’m so fucking upset, why did you go, why did you fucking go? We used to make jokes about this kinda shit and you actually went and left. I can’t picture just not even messaging you again and hearing you again, and making jokes. You were one of the few people I could be myself with and you’re fucking gone. You knew this too.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed it. I’m sorry nothing got better. But just know you’re always in my heart, and whatever I do, it’s for you. I loved you and you were the kindest person to me, even though we hated everyone. Thank you for everything. I am eternally grateful. I’ll miss you.

Final stretch

My period is really messing with how I’m feeling and dealing with certain things. I do want to say my feelings for Max are still very much so there and I don’t know how to switch it off. I guess it’ll help if I just stop telling everyone how much I like him- it really doesn’t do much for me. But you know what I think I’ll do? I’ll just keep reminding myself that that time was the last time. It was the end. He set it clear, and it’s never happening.

I can’t help but think that I could hang out with him after our exam’s done on the 25, but also, I know for a fact that’ll just fuck me over some more. It’s like I’m tied between chasing after him, with hopes he’ll change his mind, and just keeping my dignity, and move on. The typical advice I tell everyone else, there are sooo many guys out there, so why waste your time with someone who’s not going to pick you? Why like someone who doesn’t like you? Why want someone who doesn’t want you.

Then I think about, what are the chances I’m going to meet someone who’s as funny, smart, attractive, talented, and successful as Max is? Chances are slim, and the probability just gets smaller and smaller. Also… what are the chances that they’d like me back? The probability just cut even smaller.

I like him. I like him a lot. And it’s hard to even say that considering I’ve only spent time with him once, or that my idea of liking someone is completely warped from the last time I ever liked someone.

Maybe something’s wrong with me and now that every time I think I like someone, I don’t, but it’s just because they treat me so much better than Chris ever did.

God I hate this feeling.

I hate feeling like I don’t know what’s going on in my head anymore, feeling like I’m completely out of control of how I should feel and act. I have an exam in less than 48 hours, and I’ve only covered a quarter of the material. I’m here stressing about a kid who doesn’t think about me, when I have my whole future ahead of me.

Let me tell ya, a big part of me wants to be that girl who’s sole focus is on school, and now that I got my period, I don’t have to worry about a baby in the future. I’m free. I’m officially free. But it’s also, not that that’s over with, so is Max, and I need to stop thinking there’s a potential.

A little slight boy crazy and a little obsessed. The good news is that I’m not really sad-sad, where I want to cry, but I just feel super rejected and not worth it. I don’t want to cry anymore, but like I still feel shitty thinking about it. I guess time heals everything, and I’m in a rollercoaster. These things will go up and down constantly, and I’ll always feel like I’m okay at one point, then be back to being upset another.

But there’s one thing I know for sure. I am leaving in a couple of weeks, and I will be starting over. I can literally be anyone I want to be again, and set a good name for myself. I’ll be an hour away from Max, and a year away from accidentally bumping into him on campus, so I really will be free. I just need to get through this exam season and just focus on work, studying, and saying good bye to my friends.

The problem with falling for an ambitious man

The problem with being so invested in a man who’s super ambitious and successful at the same time is that you’re constantly worrying if you’re good enough for them. These kind of guys always want to do better and they want to always move forward with life. There’s never stopping for them, because they’re never satisfied. And the thing is, I thought about Max and how he’s that kind of person. He’s driven, and he gets there.  He can do whatever he wants, get whatever he wants, and will continue to do so until he feels like he accomplished everything he can. And I know for a fact that I’m not going to be the one with him in the process, rather, I’m going to be the one that prevents him from getting where he wants to be. I mean, I would never intend to, but that’s… currently where I’m at.

With Mike, I felt like I had to always pretend I was so involved. He wanted to join redsuits, and I kept telling him it isn’t for me. It’s like I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t spontaneous and ambitious, but I also don’t want to be with someone who’s too spontaneous and ambitious. Is there even an in between? I know how it feels to like someone who isn’t willing to do the same things you want to do, and be involved in the way you do, and you feel bored out of your mind- that he’s holding you back. I’m that to Max. And I know I’ll just continue to prevent him being his full potential.

It sucks, but like I’m not saying he’s any better than I am, because in hell no should I say that I’m not worthy of a guy, but it’s just that we are two incredibly different people in that sense, and I know it’d be good for me that he is pushing me to do things I never thought of doing, but what’s in it for him?

If I truly do like him, I need to set him free.