All of this isn’t going to matter in a year

I don’t understand why I’m so stuck on the idea of going to formal with him. I don’t know why I’m so fixated with him asking me to go with him, nor do I know why all my thoughts are consumed with how good we’d look together if we went. I’m just so sad thinking that I’m just not worth it. I need to stop being such a pity party and know my worth. If I’m not the one for this one, then I will be for the next one. If not, for the next one.

I have to stop thinking that I’m always the one at fault. It’s just not meant to be, and that’s not at all my fault. And if he doesn’t- when he doesn’t bring me to formal, I need to understand that it’s nothing on me. I would’ve been a good date. I really would’ve been, and if he doesn’t see that, then that is no reflection of you. Understand that this shit isn’t going to matter in a few years. You’re not going to look back in a year and get sad over the fact he didn’t ask you. Maybe you will, but it will be the smallest feeling.

Just a year ago, you were in the arms of Chris’, in his stupid flower shirt, with a St. Paddy’s hat snapped around your belt hoop. You saw that picture and got sad, but are you still thinking about him? No.

At the end of the day, if you’re not sad about this guy, you’ll be sad about another guy, and another, and another. All this shit won’t matter in a year, I promise you. And he isn’t the perfect guy. If he was perfect, he would be with you.

You used to be so crazy over Mitchell, but now you’re not afraid of acting a certain way to him. He’s your friend. Mike? You were crazy about him too, and look, you don’t even care that you guys don’t talk. You understand that if it is meant to be, it will be. You’re fixated on the idea of Max because he’s technically the last guy you were with.

It’ll be sad if he takes D.P or even S.N, but honestly, that shouldn’t matter to you. You have your own life. He has his. You bought a dress that would be perfect for formal, but you know what, fuck it, save it for another time.

If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If he likes you enough, he would’ve put an effort. But clearly, he didn’t. Listen to me when I said that love is mutual, and effort especially. Don’t put in 100% of the work, when he puts in nothing.

You deserve more than chasing after a guy two years younger than you, who’s starting to live his life. You’ve lived two more years than he has, and you can’t be accountable for that. You’re leaving in a month. Fixate on that.

Engrave it in your mind that he’s taking D.P. He’s not taking you. And that’s okay. Let her have him. Let you have you.


First place

Kinda sucks how I still put myself into these positions where I’m compromising my independence. I don’t want to be surrounded by these people and I don’t want to be the girl who’s still in high school. I’m bored. I want bigger. I want better. I want better mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m tired of all the emptiness feeling I get when I hang out with these people and surround myself with people who make me feel like shit.

I deserve so much better than I led myself on. I deserve to be happy all the time, and not just sometimes. Maybe getting drunk every weekend is not an ideal scenario, regardless of FOMO or not. Because at the end of the day, the only thing I’ll be missing out is my well being. And if I get upset every single night out, then it’s not worth it at all to be doing this to myself.

There’s always new ways of making memories and going out is not a part of that. I need to take care of myself and I need to isolate. I need to be my own person for a while and stop surrounding myself with negativity – or at least putting myself in situations where I can’t be myself nor put myself first.

No looking back

I just want to move forward. I don’t want to look back and get sad over all the people I lost in my life, or what could’ve happened if I’ve done this, or think about what I did wrong because I never got this… or he never fell in like with me… Like all that bullshit.

I spend so much time looking back at all the things in my past and often get so worked up about it. I get sad over the people that were once in my life, that made an effort to see me, and suddenly just stopped. But you know what? I’m seriously over it.

I’m seriously over trying to win the hearts of people who wouldn’t give a damn if I left. These aren’t friends. These aren’t the people in my life that I need.

I have my whole future ahead of me, with a whole new life ahead of me. I’m not going to waste my time trying to fit into a circle that was never welcoming in the first place. Civil, sure, but I’m over feeling like I have to act a certain way to impress them. I’m over feeling like I’m left out or that I’m a pity invite. How sucky is it that I feel embarrassed messaging asking what we’re doing on a weekend because I know they have a chat without me. How sucky is it that I call these people my best friends and they can go for days without speaking to me. It sucks. It really fucking sucks, but I’m not going to waste anymore energy feeling sad about it.

Just a few more weeks til school’s over and I’m moving on to a completely new place. I’m excited. I want to get the fuck out of here and become a completely new person. I want to be myself again and stop feeling like I’m left out of a clique.

I’m happy that summer’s around the corner because once that’s here, everyone drifts away, and the friends you think you had are all separated. That’s unless you have actual, real friends.

And that’s where I’m grateful for mine.

Fuck trying to fit in and being a part of something, the efforts I put in just to constantly feel left out.

Not worth it

It’s a brand new morning and I can honestly say that I feel so much better about myself. Slowly coming out of the depression, but kinda makes matter worse with the weather outside. It’s the middle of March, and it’s still snowing. I mean, it could be worse, right?

I’ve done quite a bit of thinking lately and I’m feeling a little better about the boys in my life. It’s like, I told Sarah, if it’s meant to be, it will happen. And as cliche as it sounds, everything happens for a reason, so I shouldn’t be regretting anything. I don’t regret anything. Everything that has happened in my life has been a blessing and made me who I am.

I mean, yes, I wish I didn’t like Chris the way I did, or I wish he had no part of my life, but it’s like, he taught me so much. Being with him taught me that I am a character and I deserve so much than I allow myself to have. I learned to be more accepting of the person I am and the love I deserve. I knew what a real relationship is like, and it was definitely not with him. I settle for boys who don’t give a shit about me, but give me a slight of hope that could come. That’s not a relationship. That’s not healthy.

I am actually an amazing person and if my significant other can’t see that, then they shouldn’t be significant at all.

A year from now, are any of these things going to matter? I hope to God no. I don’t want to be pining over a 19 year old cello player who is young enough to ask me to be his prom date, or be involved with a Greek community that cares about only “the boys”. I don’t want to be a part of a circle whose only goal in life is to party and fuck bitches- pardon my French.

As much as I love my guy friends, it’s just, that’s not me. I don’t want that to be my everything. I don’t want my whole life to be surrounded by boys or the party scene. I don’t want to be feeling like I need the approval of a social group to make my worth.


After coming down from a god awful weekend last weekend (can’t say it was too bad considering I had the time of my life that weekend), I’m focused so much on school right now. So many things have crossed my mind.

I got a 100% on a midterm and I’m just as surprised (more like confused) as my prof who called to meet with the person who got the first 100% for all the ten years he’s been teaching mechanical engineering. He offered me a scholarship and asked to work with him after I graduate with my masters. I would be having a masters in Mechanical Engineering, rather than Chemical. I’m not entirely opposed to this, considering I’m specializing in polymers and materials manufacturing… It’s a cool idea, but considering they’re watching me, I have some high pressure on me right now and I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be okay.

Besides that, I visited the house I’ll be living in for the next year, and it was actually really nice!!! I pay the same price with half the size of room, and I’m incredibly excited. I met my girl roommate and I’m super happy that we got along. Everything’s looking up right now, and I’m really excited. The only things that I am worried about is just finishing this semester with high hopes of getting 11’s and 12’s, and it’s eating me up alive. I’m constantly anxious and I feel guilty just thinking about going out.

In my head, I think I’ll be okay, but on the other hand, I feel like I have all these expectations I need to meet and I don’t want to fail anyone. Boys are the last thing on my mind right now, and it feels great because I no longer have anxiety thinking about Max or Chris, but now, my mind is filled with thoughts of impressing my future supervisors at my new job, or impressing Eugene with my 100% exam- impossible, but I can seriously try.

I’m going to do it.

I want to be able to succeed in life. This is what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to be that girl who’s crazy over guys anymore. I want to, and I need to especially, grow up. I want to leave McMaster with a mindset that I have a future, and it’s mine. That future consists of me and only me, and not with the tears or revolving a guy.

I’m happy.


But I’m happy.


I would fucking hate to be dependent on a guy. There’s this girl I used to be friends with in elementary school and I still follow her on social media. We don’t talk anymore but for as long as I’ve known her, she’s always had a boy in her life. She has a new boyfriend, let’s say, every six months. The thing is, sure, you do you, but it’s like I don’t want to look like that girl who needs a guy. Because I don’t. I don’t need someone to be my other half to make me feel better about my life.

I don’t want people looking at my stories and roll their eyes. I don’t want people thinking that I’m desperate, and looking for any guy to love me.

I mean, yeah, sure, yes, I would love more than anything to find my soulmate, but it’s like I don’t ever want to feel like I need to. I don’t want to be dependent on someone. I don’t want to be that person.

I want to be able to wake up every day and not feel like I need a text message in the morning from a guy to reassure me that my day will be great. I don’t want to feel like I need a reply back to make me happy. I never want to reach that stage in my life where I am completely hopeless if they don’t reply back to me, or if they’re hanging out with their friends over me, or that he comments on a girl’s picture on Instagram- like no. I’ve always felt self conscious, afraid, and downright petty for Chris the whole time we were dating and that was absolutely the worst feeling ever. I felt like I had to compete for his attention. I felt like I was destroyed if he didn’t reply to me. I felt like I needed to pan out my day around him. I felt like I was working a full time job and acting in every way related to him. He replied late? I left him on read. He was at the library without telling me? I didn’t go see him. He bailed on me? I would start a fight. Literally everything I possibly could, I just purposely made it worse for the both of us. Why did I do that? Why did I purposely mess something up, that could’ve been so easy if I just stopped being so petty… Stopped making my whole being around him?

And that’s where I’m scared.

I’m scared to feel that way again and allow myself to depend on someone so much that everything around me is about them. I never want people to think I’m weak. I never want to look like that girl who can’t live without a guy. I want to be my own person and succeed. I want my happiness to stem from my own, rather than from someone else.

I don’t need someone else to make me happy.

I always wanted to be that girl

Okay, I guess it sort of sucks. It sort of sucks being one of the girls compiled in WHF’s life. It’s not like I ever wanted to be in a relationship with something, but a girl always wants to be the one who changes the guy. The girl that someone wants to chase after. In every case, I’m not that girl. It’s always the case that I’m the one waiting on the guy, or that I’m hoping that I’m the girl to change them. I guess, in that sense, it sucks for me.

I have a new guy probably every month, but a month ago I met someone who I really liked. I haven’t met a guy I could see myself with, since Chris. I put aside my ego and I went for it. I messaged him, I talked to him first… I did everything I wouldn’t do usually with a guy. I’m not going to talk about how we met, or whatever, because all the feelings are just going to come back, and I’d rather not be reminded of how great that night was. And how I wish so badly for it to come back. I just started to feel okay with knowing that it’s never going to happen. His name’s Max. He’s two years younger, he’s in engineering, and we share the same passion for music. His, probably more so than mine. I pictured a future, and I guess I never wanted to be with someone so badly.

I was told that I was the perfect girl, but it was just wrong timing. Which, I don’t know, sounds like a load of bullshit. Don’t get me wrong though, he is absolutely one of the best people I know. Not even a biased thought. He is genuinely the nicest person I know and he is just so great to everyone around him. Super smart, but very oblivious to when it comes to girls. His life revolves around school, his fraternity, cello, and getting involved on campus. There is absolutely no time for me.

It sucks knowing that at one point I was on his mind that he would message me first, he would keep up a conversation… And now it’s like he could hardly care about me. Okay, we’re not going to go over that part of the history because I’m just going to feel heavy hearted.

I guess what I’m trying to say out of this and from what happened with WHS (who has now settled down with someone and he turned into a completely different person), is that… if it’s meant to be, it will be. Sargam said something that really stuck with me. She told me that even with the most “fuck boy” guy out there, the right person can change them.

Then that makes me think, am I not right for anyone? Why isn’t anyone changing for me? What’s wrong with me? It sucks looking around you and everyone’s in love, or everyone has someone that gets them. It sucks being so crazy over a person who couldn’t be bothered to think about you once in a day. Or at all.

I’m trying to believe that Max is not the right person for me, and if he was, then effort would have been made. We would be together. There would be no circumstances. There would be no waiting. And if he can’t see how great I am right now, and how perfect I would be to him, then he is not someone worth chasing after. Worth crying over. Great guy, but not for me. I need to stop thinking that I’m the one that’s wrong in every situation, as hard as it seems to be since it’s a common occurrence.

It’s not my fault. It’s not their fault. It’s just not meant to be.

Going back with what she said, with the right person, everything will change. It just hasn’t been my time. I will meet so many new people. New guys. It’ll be a new world out there once I graduate. If Max was the one, it would be obvious. He would be here right now, but he’s not. It takes two to tango, and if it’s always me putting the effort, putting in the fight, nothing will come out of it.

Sure it worked back in high school, but that was in high school. I need to learn how to stop fighting for people who aren’t fighting for me. Stop fighting for the wrong things.

My main priority right now is studying, finishing assignments, finishing this year, and doing well for myself. Let’s focus on doing things that make me happy, rather than meeting new guys to fill that “void”. I can fill that on my own, and I can do that with getting my lashes done, nails done, studying all day, going to class, going to the gym. Life has endless possibilities and I shouldn’t waste it on believing that I’m the one who is wrong. Because I’m not.

It’ll come.

And even if it won’t, I have other aspects of my life that I’m successful in.

I have friends that love me.

Family that loves me.

It’s time to stop looking for guys to make me feel happy.

I can make myself happy.