I went to Monika’s funeral mass today and I can honestly say it was the saddest thing. I’ve cried so many times over her, it’s just like now I’m back to the stage of disbelief that she’s gone. I still can’t believe it. I still can’t picture my life without her… I keep expecting her to message me on Snapchat or on fucking Instagram, but that’s not happening. It just feels like she’s going on a really, really long trip, but she’ll always be a phonecall away. That’s not the case. But anyway, I was at the funeral, and the priest said something about this being our final goodbye. To send her off with a final goodbye. It hurt. Because she’s actually gone. She’s actually, actually gone, and it’s painful to admit it. I hate saying she passed, or that she’s d-word, because I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want to believe that she’s out of my life forever. She still appears on my Facebook chats, and Snapchat list, and like it sucks because it just makes me think she’s still there. I get sad every time I think about her and I feel so heavy. I still can’t fucking admit that she’s gone. Why does this hurt so much? I literally feel like my heart is so fucking heavy when I’m alone. I don’t want to talk about this with anyone because they just don’t get it, and I don’t want to bother them with the pain. How do you even deal with the fact your best friend is grieving over someone you don’t even know?
Like I’ve been saying from the last few posts, there is so much more to life than what I thought. I’m so over being dependent over validation from guys. I’m over feeling like I need to prove myself with people. I’m over trying to fight for things that don’t even matter. I need to start using my life to fight for people/things that truly matter. Ever since I let go of the whole “need someone to be my other half”- I’ve been feeling so much better about myself. My good friend fucking died because she hated life and I’m not going to let that happen to me. I’m over fucking crying over petty shit. There are new opportunities everywhere and fuck me if I’m going to let it stop me. There is so much life to live. So many things to do. So much time. I need to stop feeling like I’m not worth it, and doing things that don’t make me happy. I need to focus on myself and make myself believe that I am worth it and that I can take this on.
I don’t need a guy to make me feel like I’m worth this. And that’s why when CJ asked when on the timeline I’m going to find a guy, I’m not concerned. My priorities in life revolve around my career, my friends, and my family (not in that particular order). I will cherish the three until the time comes along when I’m ready for a relationship, but I am definitely not ready for that. I am not ready to commit myself and have my whole life revolve around them. I’m not ready to feel like I am giving half of myself. I need to concentrate and I need to do me. I love my friends and I love my family. I don’t want to do that any less.