Mistakes have been made

Okay, so I’ll admit, I made a couple of mistakes the last few weeks… months. And the thing is, I’ve never been true to myself. Am I really being true to myself right now? I could write out all the realizations I’ve made on here, but easily go back to sleeping with What’s-His-Face tonight, you know. But it’s like, until I truly admit that I deserve better and that I am acting out and that I’m trying to find Chris in someone who will never be him, then I’m never going to be okay and I’m never going to see myself as an individual.

You know what, let’s trace back all the way to May. Chris broke up with me. He went back with his exgirlfriend, and I was left feeling so empty and pretty much worthless. Literally, everything I ever invested in him, thinking that he could possibly be the “one” or whatever, just slapped me back in my face. I invested so much of my feelings and my time, all for nothing and that was my first hit of rejection. It hurt.  It hurt a lot. Feeling like you were once so important to him to being nothing but a side. It sucked.

Months passed and I literally felt like I was on top of the world. I went on dates. I got my hair done. Got my nails done. Spent money. Went out. I did so many things that made me feel better and I did feel better. I felt more free and I felt like I didn’t need him anymore. I cried every now and then but I seriously thought I was so high that no one could knock me down, especially not him.

When school started and I saw him, I… relapsed. He made me feel like there was a possibility that we could get back together. He told me he liked me still, never stopped, and that he missed me. He invited me over to play guitar and sing Hedley, but he knocked out and apologized the next morning- to which I didn’t respond. The next day, we had our Toga Party, and I found myself flirting with other guys and distracting myself, forcing myself to have fun. I walked Eric home, then for some reason, on the walk back I decided to call him. He answered asking, “Why are you calling me? Out of everyone?” Well, obviously, because I still fucking like you. He made me feel like an idiot reaching out to him even though the weeks before that, he’d message me every day, not just weekends, to hang out. And that was it, I knew my worth, I was like fuck this, I don’t deserve being treated like this. I don’t deserve to be crazy over a guy who makes me feel crazy when he’s doing the exact same thing. Especially with a guy who has a girlfriend. It wasn’t fair. I yelled at him, punched him, and told I’m done. And I was. It was probably the saddest end because I never talked to him again after that.

Let me tell you, it was shit. It was shit feeling like this. It felt so fucking lonely waking up every morning knowing that I wasn’t worth to be loved. I wasn’t worth sticking around with for more than 4 months. It fucking killed me.

I slept with What’s-His-Face that night, and it made me feel better for at least a night. He made me feel hot, appreciated, and wanted. It made me feel warm at night when we were cuddling to go to sleep. The next morning when he left, and I was in my bed alone in the house, I felt empty again. It was a temporary feeling of relief, having someone in your bed and waking up with them, but when he left, I was back to where I was again.

That went on and on for weeks, and then one night, What’s-His-Face turned me down and told me he didn’t want to sleep over, I felt rejected again. That was a second slap to the face, and I was back to feeling worthless and I continuously wondered why I wasn’t good enough. I went home that night crying myself to sleep and promising myself I would never do that again.

Reading week passed and I came back to school feeling better. My best guy friends made me feel like the shit. Words can’t describe how much I love them and appreciate them. Seriously. I came back to Mac with the mindset that I can do what I want and that I’m not depending on a guy to be happy. I made some realizations before reading week started and I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself feel that way again.

What’s-His-Face and I slept together again and… that was a mistake because I couldn’t stop thinking about him after that. I acted in a way in social media that got his attention. I would go to the library with “slight” hopes that I’d bump into him. I started catching myself catching feels and the weekend came (aka this weekend).

I sent him a picture of kissing my best friend and captioned “Your place or mine?”. At the time, I was drunk, I felt like fuck yeah I just did this. He replied once and told me to scoop him at Viva La Pida, but never replied when I said “Come to my place.” He waited for us to bus home but he was angry. He was being rude, but he was also giving me eyes, and looking at my costume. It was like he was waiting for me to ask him to come over, but the first second he saw me, he told me he had other plans. At that moment, I realized that I was second option. I put myself out there. I went out of my way…. just to get slapped in the face again. That was when I never felt so fucking low.

Ashley was livid and told me that I deserve so much better and it killed her to see how low I thought of myself. And it’s true. I think so fucking low of myself and that I’m never enough. I never feel like I am good enough for school, for my friends, for my family, for a boy… I most especially don’t feel good enough as a person. It sucks feeling like this because it’s a mentality I can’t change. I yelled at her telling that I wanted to bring him home and that it’s my mistake to make.

She told me she’s already been there and she won’t let me make the same mistake. I just wanted to feel appreciated. I just wanted to feel sexy. I just wanted to bring him home. But she told me that this isn’t the way to go. She told me how I’m manifesting what I saw in Chris in What’s-His-Face, and how I’m trying to find Chris in him, but it’s never going to fucking happen. WHS will not provide me with the same feelings Chris did and I can’t depend on temporary happiness every Saturday. I need to be my own person. I need to set my own goals. I need to get out of this shlump and realize I am worth it. I need to stop being a pity party and start moving on.

I need to move on healthy and not depend on someone else to make me feel happy- to make me feel like a person.

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Thank You

One hundred percent, the past four weeks have probably been the worst thing I’ve ever felt in a long time, maybe ever. A break up was always what I thought I could easily brush aside, especially being that the whatever-tionship lasted for only 3 months. He never wanted to commit anyway and he never treated me the way I wanted. He went around after saying I expected too much and that I was too needy- but it’s like can you blame me? You cheated on me.

As cliche as it sounds, I want to say thank you. Thank you for showing me what I didn’t deserve and setting the bar so low that I know I can only go up from here. I used to be upset about the memories and losing him, but all it ever was medicore at best and well, sex. There was no deep connection. You were always scared to open up. I could never be myself. I couldn’t say you knew me. All you ever knew about me was that I hated pizza and was from the hoods of Scarborough.

When you told me you didn’t want to talk about your exgirlfriend, I should’ve taken that as a red flag and it all makes sense now that you’re back together with her now. But, regardless, good for you. Like I said, I used to miss you, I used feel broken up that you were gone, but now, I see it as good riddance. I’m more upset that you did use me and that you were so quick to blame me why we didn’t work out. I’m upset that you played me and embarrassed me in front of everyone. Lied to me and told me that you were going to be too busy for me, but clearly you aren’t too busy to fix things with her. Fair, you didn’t want to tell me to hurt me. But to the person you were seeing for the previous 3 months, I think you owed it to me to tell me why you really wanted to break up. To find out like this, you don’t understand how little and disrespected that makes me feel. You’re a coward, indecisive, manipulative, and ultimately poison. Thanks for leaving. Because of you, I know what I deserve and I feel stronger as a person.

I’ve been eating healthier lately and going to the gym. I’ve been hanging out a lot more with my friends. University friends. Work friends. Reconnecting with old friends. Flirting with new guys and going on dates. I’m not exactly at that point in my life where I’m incredibly happy and not thinking about you anymore, but I am getting there. It’s getting easier with every day. Because as every day passes, the more I realize you’re trash and I’ve done nothing wrong. This wasn’t my fault. I don’t hope that one day you regret leaving me because that would mean I’m thinking of you. I hope one day we both live our own separate lives and I never have to see you again. Two more years left, and God, I’m so excited to live my life without you.

Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater: Tips on How to Get Over A Cheating Buffoon

It hurts. It really does. It hurts thinking about him kissing someone else and giving someone else the attention you deserve. I always told myself that if I were to ever get cheated on, that would be it. I would end it right there and then.

As much as I wanted to, and still do, I couldn’t find myself to. I never hated someone so much in my life, to turn my trust into gush like that. It’s like when I’m with him, I feel like everything’s okay, but the few hours I’m not with him, I can’t help but think he’s with someone else. He’s thinking about someone else. He’s getting head from someone else. And suddenly, I’m acting like a bitch, I’m lashing out, and I’m crying in my closet in the complete dark, hating myself more and more.

I’m an idiot for taking him back. I’m an idiot for even thinking that things will be okay. I’m fooling myself all the time whenever I’m with him, but it’s just that he broke that trust. He literally crushed it and there’s no way of fixing it without making me doubt his intentions.

So this is my route to recovery.

Accept that he cheated and it was no reflection of what you did 

It took me a while to even believe that he did. I just cried all the time, thinking that it was my fault. If I was just awake for those 7 hours I was taking a nap (fucking dick, right?), he wouldn’t have cheated on me. He wouldn’t have met up with that girl, and we wouldn’t be in this mess. I’ve been told though, however, once a cheater always a cheater, and if he had it in his mind, consciously, to meet up with that hoe, then he’s always had that thought in his head, with or without you. This wasn’t your fault. He was the dick. He made the mistake. He made that conscious decision.

Remind yourself of your life before him

You were able to be a person before him. I know it’s hard to picture your life before you met your SO (technically not my SO, because we don’t even have a title. Exclusive, but no title), but you did have one. You’re a student at university at school for a reason. You had friends to talk to before this. You were able to be happy before him. You were your own person before he came along, and you can be the same once he’s gone. You lived before him, you can live again after him.

Distract yourself; out of sight, out of mind 

My really good friend reminded me that everything takes time. Before Chris, I was fawning over the Australian babe and was absolutely devastated for a week and then I met Chris and I suddenly became over. Between the time of getting over him and meeting Chris, I felt like time really did heal me. It was just, I didn’t know whether it was because I met a new guy, or it was because it took a week. Either way, the time away from Australia was a complete cut-off. I didn’t speak to him. I didn’t look at his Facebook. I didn’t stalk him on Instagram. And I never allowed myself to see him at events. I found myself to be less dependent on him and realize how much I was worth now that he was gone out of my life (refer to point #2). It was so hard for me to move on from Chris (still am… still in the stage of fixing things…), but the only reason is because I allow myself to talk to him every day, see him every day, and think about him every day. Delete the photos. Delete the memories. Go do your homework.

(Updated list after the official break up)

Don’t Be Selective on Advice

I used to go on Tumblr, looking for reassurance posts of taking your “boyfriend” back after he cheated. The ratio of posts on “end it completely” to “he can change” were probably 100 to 1. More girls were telling me that once he cheats, it’s over. He thought about someone else. It won’t go back to how it was before, sweetie. But I was still searching for that 1 post that would tell me, “It’s okay, he apologized for it. Give him a second chance” or the posts that say “I feel like this break up really helped our relationship and made him realize what I’m worth.” I’m sorry, what? If you need him to cheat to realize how fucking great you are, think again, love.  I look back now and I’m a complete idiot. I was purposely ignoring all the warning signs and I deliberately took the advice that works for one in a million. I thought I was the exception. I thought I could change him. But the truth is, he cheated. The worst thing you could ever do to someone you truly care about. He cheated and there is now way of coming back from that. Listen to the advice, don’t just try to listen to the advice that helps you.

Accept that things will never be the same

Once he cheats, he breaks that trust. You will constantly be thinking of what he did. Sure you can accept it and forgive, but it doesn’t change the fact he still did it. You can say you can forget about it, but can you really? There will always be times you will look back at what he did, and you can’t be with someone for years on end being constantly reminded of that. You will resent him. You will resent yourself. You will feel like complete trash. He slept with Becky, he was flirting with Patricia, he called Riley babe. It will never leave your mind and things will never be the same. “Yeah, but he promised to make it better and make it up to me.” Okay, yeah, he promises to make it up to you but for how long? The second he stops trying and going out of his way to make up to you, you will feel self-conscious again. You will feel like he’s slipping away. He’s going to start to feel he owes his whole life to you (which he does, because I mean c’mon asshole), but he will resent the relationship too. Once that trust is broken, there’s no way of repairing… which leads to the last point…

Accept that it’s over

I was an idiot, I will admit, for taking him back after he cheated on me. I thought things could go back to the way it was. I gave him excuses time after time, when my best friends would say I’m crazy for taking him back. “Well, we were in a fight”,  or “He was drunk”. And when he’d get frustrated with me for being frustrated that he didn’t talk to me for a whole day a few days after “making it up to me”, I apologized. Why? Why did I do that? I kept telling myself, “He has a right to be mad at me (even though he was the one that cheated) because I am becoming too needy (because he cheated on me and left me vulnerable).” I started blaming myself, I started apologizing for reacting how I did when he cheated, I started being the one at his feet… I was suddenly the one scared to lose him… The guy who went behind my back while I was sleeping to hook up with another girl… It’s over. It’s done. I couldn’t accept the fact that I was losing him so I did everything I could to keep him. Regardless of what he did, I still wanted him and I was so scared to lose him, I latched on hard. I couldn’t accept that it was over. The sooner you realize that it is over and that you 100% do not need that in your life, you just save yourself from the heartbreak later in the future. Let me tell you, if I told myself this the second he came to my apartment and told me what he did, I wouldn’t be as miserable as I was in May. I would’ve been the one who walked up and left. Instead, I gave him time to “make it up to me”, to promise me things we were going to do in the summer, to give me a sneak peak of “the perfect boyfriend”- all for him just to walk out and leave me the second summer started. Maybe breaking up with me had nothing to do with him cheating. Maybe it did. But regardless, you don‘t want that. You can keep telling yourself that “Oh, he came to my apartment and told me he cheated- I didn’t find out from anyone, and now he’s making it up to me.” This is because the stupid sucker knows he pulled a wrong. He doesn’t want you to leave him. He wants to be the one walking out the door when he can. And if he did truly care about you, another girl wouldn’t be in his mind when you’re MIA because you’re sleeping. 

It’s hard, I know. I’ve been there. I never thought it would happen. But it really does happen when you least expect it. Seriously, it is the most heartbreaking feeling ever. I remember locking myself in my dark closet, crying all the fucking time, and having that heavyhearted feeling every time I was alone. It just sucked. It sucked all the time. What made it worse that I kept it lingering on. A part of me knew it was over. A part of me knew all of these things, but I chose to ignore it and stay with him because I thought I was the exception. It sucks. The longer you let it linger on and stay in your life, the more harmful it will be to you. You will be there wondering if things will get better, you’ll wonder how long he will treat you like a princess until he leaves/cheats on you again. You will be in this constant state of wonder and you will never be at peace.

Trust me when I say it’s over. Walk out of there as soon as possible. Because the only worse thing than having an addiction and throwing away the cigarettes is continuously smoking it until you get lung cancer and well, die. Obviously not that extreme. It will hurt when you toss it, but it will hurt even more if you keep that buffoon in your life.

X’s and O’s,

Jani

Safety net

I don’t even know what’s worth it anymore. I don’t know if holding on would hurt more or losing him would. I don’t know if I can pretend that I’m okay with not knowing if we’ll be in a relationship. He says he’s exclusive with me, but he can’t be committed. He says he really likes me, but he doesn’t see himself in a relationship. He tells me things he never tells anyone, yet there’s a boundary that lies as his girlfriend/not-girlfriend.

The more and more I continue pretending I’m okay with this, the more I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. The more I feel like Reed in this situation and he’s Morgan. It hurts. It really does. It’s like I know I’m being taken advantage of but I can’t realize that I can be treated better and there’s someone else out there. It’s like I think he’s the best I can do, and I can’t shake my mind off that.

Like what answer am I looking for? It’s like I’m waiting for him to change his mind, when it probably never will. I’m a fucking ditz who doesn’t know her worth and I know it. I know it and I’m not doing jackshit about it.

Pro and Cons

Pros:

  • He treats you like a princess when he wants to
  • He cuddles nice and bangs well
  • He holds your hand in public, very affectionate
  • He was your Pike formal date
  • You guys were a cute Greek couple
  • He was the closest thing to a boyfriend
  • You had someone to talk to
  • You had someone there
  • You had someone to be with whenever you were alone
  • He made you feel special
  • 6’2
  • He was yours
  • When he was nice… he was so nice…
  • He was a nice chase

Cons:

  • It was only to his convenience
  • He only messages late at night/when he’s drunk
  • We never hang out during the day or go on cute dates
  • He chooses his friends over you all the time
  • He’s a total dude
  • He’s not even that good looking
  • He’s not over his exgirlfriend
  • Secretive
  • Never messages you
  • Doesn’t believe in jealousy
  • Controlling
  • Fully told you he’s not your boyfriend…
  • Anger issues – would leave in middle of discussion
  • You never know what’s going on in his head
  • He has a fucking high ass ego
  • STUBBORN AS HELL
  • Gets scared of any sign of committment, seriousness, or relationship
  • He never wants to be in a relationship
  • Wasn’t always there
  • Horrible at comforting you when you were sad

I’m mad

Okay.

I’m mad.

The past few weeks, I had to sit down and think whether or not I was mad for a good reason or I was just being plain petty. The past few weeks, you made me think that I was irrational for being mad. You made me think that it didn’t matter I didn’t talk to you every day like other couples. You made me think it that it was okay we would never be together. You made me think that I was happy with where we stood.

I’m not.

I’m angry.

For one, I don’t trust you. I don’t trust you in the slightest. Okay, sure, it was in your past that you slept with 12 girls or that you did your share in the field, but it’s so fucking hard to believe that the reason you don’t want to be with me has nothing to do with that.

Take a guy who is so used to floating around a sea of girls to be latched down to a girl like me- extremely inexperienced and seldom affectionate. And I don’t blame you. But to make me believe that you can do that, to make me believe that I can trust you- but making no effort to keep it that way, that’s unfair.

“Okay,” is literally all you can say when I tell you what I worry about.

I worry constantly.

I worry about the day you’re just going to pick up and leave.

I worry about the two days we don’t talk because that was enough time for the past three guys to leave me.

You can only message me and carry a conversation at your own convenience, but when I do it, you’re suddenly too busy to talk?

I don’t fucking trust you.

I don’t want to be with you if I’m constantly feeling this way. If I constantly feel like we both want different things. If you’re always making me feel like I’m annoying you, or that I worry too much, because I do. I worry all the time. And a guy like you who is so careless about it and tells me everything’s going to be okay, because it’s not.

I have problems, and if you can’t keep up with it, if you can’t constantly reassure me that we’re going to be okay, and can’t bother to let me know I’m on your mind, and tell me it bothers you too when we don’t talk for a week, like it does with me, then I don’t want it. I don’t want this.

This is not my idea of a relationship. And I ‘m done trying to make it work if we both want different things.

Man at the coffee house

I promised myself not to get involved, but I did anyway.

Remember that guy I mentioned back at the coffee house who moved up from the back to step up to listen to me while I sing? Chris? Yeah, so… I’m seeing him now.

After acting out with that stupid Australian (just kidding, he’s not stupid, and I’m just being immature), I met Chris. I mean, I knew him, but I actually went for this guy. It was at their fraternity wine and cheese, where I approached him and took him by the face and just macked him right there and then.

I mean I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know how I did that.

I was scolded later by one of my sorority sisters who told me we both had our own dates and it was incredibly rude to do that. True. I mean, it was a valid point, but I didn’t really regret it. She later told me that he told her he’s had a crush on me since forever and didn’t think I would go for him. To this day, he doesn’t know how I know about that, and I find it really cute how he plays it off that I’m the one who made the first move. Okay, technically yes I did. 

He told her that he was planning to ask me out on a date but for the whole week, I never heard from him at all. He liked my photo on Instagram, but that was the only sort of interaction I got from him. Boring.

The following week was an internal event with our sorority and fraternity and he was very much there, present and loud. Typical frat boy. We didn’t talk much in the beginning and I still felt kind of awkward that I made the first mood. It just kept replaying in my head how I kissed him in front of everyone, randomly. I liked it, couldn’t lie. I wanted to kiss him again. We met eventually and sat down and talked. Turns out we lived in the same area and his dad was my guidance counsellor in high school. Crazy, right?

I had “Kiss Me” written on my cheek and when he asked what it was, he proceeded to kiss me on the cheek, which sent chills down my back. That was so cute. My response was probably the dryest emotion on my face because I am not good with showing affection, nor emotion at all when it comes to these kinda things. Was I supposed to wink back? Kiss him back? Giggle? I didn’t know the protocol.

We talked about what we were planning to do after and he told me he was heading to Dirty Dogs, which I wasn’t down for because none of my sisters were heading there. He asked me what I was doing, and told him I wasn’t sure either. I was probably going to EPub, I told him. A part of me didn’t want him to go to Dirty Dogs and spend the night with me, and he asked me what I wanted. Don’t do this to me, I don’t want to seem desperate and ask you to come over.

“You tell me what you want me to do,” he said.

Yeah, you can’t say shit like that, Romeo.

For some reason, I found myself sitting with the Australian and I headed over EPub with him instead. I saw Chris leaving the room, with his coat, and he didn’t even say goodbye to me. In consolation, I had the Australian’s hands on my inner thigh and really close to me, so I mean…

We headed to EPub and the whole night the Australian was not paying attention to me and I was thinking all about Chris. I messaged him and carried a conversation over Facebook messenger. I was about to head out and A offered to come with. We got interrupted by all his friends as we were walking home, and one of his brothers drove by asking if I wanted a ride. YES, I DO.  I joined him and he drove me home where I came home to my roommates.

I told them all about Chris and how I wasn’t sure if I should try something or just leave it but they told me to go for it.

“Maybe it’ll be different this time, maybe he’ll be your next boyfriend!” They said to me.

They said the same thing about A. 

“Okay I’ll do it,” I said, as I began typing a message to Chris at almost 3 in the morning.

“Hey, what are you upto?” I asked.

“Just laying down, why, is everything okay?” He replied.

I didn’t know what to ask. I wanted him to come over to cuddle, and only cuddle, because what else could a virgin do at 3 in the morning? I had one of my roommates’ boy write for me.

“I was just going to ask if you wanted to come over, watch a movie, and a cuddle? That’s honestly all I really want right now,” he replied.

Chris replied back, “Honestly, I’d like that a lot.”

In a few minutes, he arrived at my place and when I came upstairs to pick him up, seeing him stand there, made me beyond nervous. I had to double think if I really wanted this. Jani, you’re just a horny little bastard who’s trying to get sOME CUDDLING ACTION. Do you really want this man? 

I was told later that he was on the phone with his Big, just upset about how things ended up with him and I after the mixer because he thought things were going so well, but we didn’t end up together. So when I messaged, he was really happy and freaking out over the phone with his Big, who then proceeded to call an Uber for him to reach my place because I live in the middle of nowhere and he lost his wallet. 

So he came over, we hung out in my room, we watched Sinister 2 (at like 5 in the morning, mind you) and at the end of it, we started making out and I told him too I was a virgin and that we couldn’t do anything more, which he was more than okay with. He respected me, and then continued to cuddle me (even though I wanted to do other stuff*), and it felt nice with him.

The next morning we woke up and he had to go to his pledge class. I said my good bye at my door and it was incredibly awkward, like the girl I am.

“So, like, I’ll talk to you later?” He said.

“Yeah, for sure, I mean, you don’t have my number…” I said.

“Oh right!” He takes his phone out, but I’m thinking about the bus he’s going to miss if he doesn’t leave now, so I don’t even offer to give my number.

We’re standing there for like two seconds until I just say “Okay, bye!” and rush him outside the door.

I eventually messaged him on Facebook giving him my number and my roommate who was watching us was telling me that I needed lessons on talking to boys. Yeah, I really did. But Chris didn’t seem to mind.

I was super skeptical about this guy since I wasn’t really looking for anything, nor was I looking for him. He just came into my life and I didn’t plan at all. When he started being super affectionate and… “clingy” in the beginning, I doubted all the time whether I wanted him. It was at the club, where he wouldn’t leave my side that I told him I hated PDA, how I hated being with him all the time- and since then, he’s been giving me space, even to the point where I get pissed off that he doesn’t even give me as much attention anymore. But this space is great. This amount of space keeps me wondering what he’s doing, when he’s going to message, and for me to chase after him. I like it. He’s still my man, but not really my man, but if a bitch were to ever cross me, I swear to God…

It’s funny to think in the beginning he was just that guy at the coffee house and now he’s the man I’m sleeping with twice a week. Huh, funny how this world works, right?