Okay, so I’ll admit, I made a couple of mistakes the last few weeks… months. And the thing is, I’ve never been true to myself. Am I really being true to myself right now? I could write out all the realizations I’ve made on here, but easily go back to sleeping with What’s-His-Face tonight, you know. But it’s like, until I truly admit that I deserve better and that I am acting out and that I’m trying to find Chris in someone who will never be him, then I’m never going to be okay and I’m never going to see myself as an individual.
You know what, let’s trace back all the way to May. Chris broke up with me. He went back with his exgirlfriend, and I was left feeling so empty and pretty much worthless. Literally, everything I ever invested in him, thinking that he could possibly be the “one” or whatever, just slapped me back in my face. I invested so much of my feelings and my time, all for nothing and that was my first hit of rejection. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Feeling like you were once so important to him to being nothing but a side. It sucked.
Months passed and I literally felt like I was on top of the world. I went on dates. I got my hair done. Got my nails done. Spent money. Went out. I did so many things that made me feel better and I did feel better. I felt more free and I felt like I didn’t need him anymore. I cried every now and then but I seriously thought I was so high that no one could knock me down, especially not him.
When school started and I saw him, I… relapsed. He made me feel like there was a possibility that we could get back together. He told me he liked me still, never stopped, and that he missed me. He invited me over to play guitar and sing Hedley, but he knocked out and apologized the next morning- to which I didn’t respond. The next day, we had our Toga Party, and I found myself flirting with other guys and distracting myself, forcing myself to have fun. I walked Eric home, then for some reason, on the walk back I decided to call him. He answered asking, “Why are you calling me? Out of everyone?” Well, obviously, because I still fucking like you. He made me feel like an idiot reaching out to him even though the weeks before that, he’d message me every day, not just weekends, to hang out. And that was it, I knew my worth, I was like fuck this, I don’t deserve being treated like this. I don’t deserve to be crazy over a guy who makes me feel crazy when he’s doing the exact same thing. Especially with a guy who has a girlfriend. It wasn’t fair. I yelled at him, punched him, and told I’m done. And I was. It was probably the saddest end because I never talked to him again after that.
Let me tell you, it was shit. It was shit feeling like this. It felt so fucking lonely waking up every morning knowing that I wasn’t worth to be loved. I wasn’t worth sticking around with for more than 4 months. It fucking killed me.
I slept with What’s-His-Face that night, and it made me feel better for at least a night. He made me feel hot, appreciated, and wanted. It made me feel warm at night when we were cuddling to go to sleep. The next morning when he left, and I was in my bed alone in the house, I felt empty again. It was a temporary feeling of relief, having someone in your bed and waking up with them, but when he left, I was back to where I was again.
That went on and on for weeks, and then one night, What’s-His-Face turned me down and told me he didn’t want to sleep over, I felt rejected again. That was a second slap to the face, and I was back to feeling worthless and I continuously wondered why I wasn’t good enough. I went home that night crying myself to sleep and promising myself I would never do that again.
Reading week passed and I came back to school feeling better. My best guy friends made me feel like the shit. Words can’t describe how much I love them and appreciate them. Seriously. I came back to Mac with the mindset that I can do what I want and that I’m not depending on a guy to be happy. I made some realizations before reading week started and I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself feel that way again.
What’s-His-Face and I slept together again and… that was a mistake because I couldn’t stop thinking about him after that. I acted in a way in social media that got his attention. I would go to the library with “slight” hopes that I’d bump into him. I started catching myself catching feels and the weekend came (aka this weekend).
I sent him a picture of kissing my best friend and captioned “Your place or mine?”. At the time, I was drunk, I felt like fuck yeah I just did this. He replied once and told me to scoop him at Viva La Pida, but never replied when I said “Come to my place.” He waited for us to bus home but he was angry. He was being rude, but he was also giving me eyes, and looking at my costume. It was like he was waiting for me to ask him to come over, but the first second he saw me, he told me he had other plans. At that moment, I realized that I was second option. I put myself out there. I went out of my way…. just to get slapped in the face again. That was when I never felt so fucking low.
Ashley was livid and told me that I deserve so much better and it killed her to see how low I thought of myself. And it’s true. I think so fucking low of myself and that I’m never enough. I never feel like I am good enough for school, for my friends, for my family, for a boy… I most especially don’t feel good enough as a person. It sucks feeling like this because it’s a mentality I can’t change. I yelled at her telling that I wanted to bring him home and that it’s my mistake to make.
She told me she’s already been there and she won’t let me make the same mistake. I just wanted to feel appreciated. I just wanted to feel sexy. I just wanted to bring him home. But she told me that this isn’t the way to go. She told me how I’m manifesting what I saw in Chris in What’s-His-Face, and how I’m trying to find Chris in him, but it’s never going to fucking happen. WHS will not provide me with the same feelings Chris did and I can’t depend on temporary happiness every Saturday. I need to be my own person. I need to set my own goals. I need to get out of this shlump and realize I am worth it. I need to stop being a pity party and start moving on.
I need to move on healthy and not depend on someone else to make me feel happy- to make me feel like a person.