I can’t lie to you. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried blogging to be a thing for my “New Years Resolution” – it kinda dates back to fifth grade when I thought blogging on Livejournal.com would be really cool. I got really into it actually, got my friends to join it too. It was a good place to really release all the things I had bottled inside, because let’s be real, a fifth grader really had a lot of things going on. Years after that, I’ve tried blogging at Tumblr, but it always ended up with me talking about the boys I was “seeing” at the time, and that was definitely not appropriate to call a “blog”.
I want to blog my life. The hardships I’m going through. I want to blog about everything, including boys, not it being the main spotlight (literally, all I ever did was rant about boys… cry about boys… pep talk about boys).
So here I am, making a comeback and trying to do something new. I made this a promise on my last Tumblr that I was never going to talk about boys, but I mean, eventually it did shift off, which I am a little half disappointed about. Not really full because it was a good place to vent.
The past year has been an emotional rollercoaster, and I can admit that it was not my favourite year. 2016 was full of broken friendships, getting hurt, and failing courses. I’ve lost so many people I thought would be my best friends forever. These were the people I thought were going to be at my wedding, and who I was going to grow old with. I got hurt by the same guy, but definitely not his intention. I just seem to latch onto guys that don’t really think twice about me, or care to fulfill anything more. It’s my fault though. I just tend to put myself in a position where he could hurt me (not physically), but it’s no reflection of him all. I failed Calculus IV, and a programming course, so that’s nice too. Two courses already and I’m only in my third year. So failing that programming course last semester really held me back a year, which sucks because it totally pushed me off track. After breaking it off with my friends earlier in the school year, I thought, “At least I have only two more years left to see them.” But now, I’m going to be staying another year and since they decided to spread out their courseload to stay another year, I’ll be seeing more of them than I thought.
I used to love university, and I used to love coming back to Mac and feeling so happy, but it’s just like this past year really did take a toll on me, and it feels like it’s impossible to bounce back.
I’ve never talked to anyone about this because all I’ve ever done was be a bitchy whiner, and I tend to push away anyone else who latches on to me. It’s like to this day, I never appreciated the people who made a genuine effort to stay in my life. I treated them like absolute shit, and it’s all just really hitting me. I could be overthinking, this could be my anxiety talking, but this is my hidden apology. It’s a little too late, but I am sorry.
I just hope the people who’ve treated me badly and that I’ve treated badly can move on from this too and start over with the new year. I’m sick of feeling sad all the time and feeling like I have no support. I’m sick of doing this shit to people and ending up hurting myself the most in the end. I would never want to relive 2016, and I definitely do not want to bring that into 2017. I’m thankful it happened, I’m thankful for being able to reflect and see where the problem areas light up. I’m just hoping for the best.
As cliche as this sounds, I really do hope 2017 brings new adventures, new feelings, and new happiness. I’m ready to start over, love myself, and achieve my optimal in school.
Here’s to starting over and being the best person I can be.