I wanted to make a separate post about this because I never really did talk to anyone about how the past two months made me feel.
After losing my really good friends, I thought I deserved better. I thought, “Fuck that, I don’t need that in my life.” I started feeling invincible and started feeling like I deserve the fucking best.
I started running back to my old chemical engineering friend, who I treated like shit in the beginning of the school year. In October, November, and all the way into December with last minute assignment dates and exam week, my bitchiness started accumulating. I started yelling at him, started picking fights, and I eventually came to that point where I drove him away. I thought, “He’s going to stick by my side forever, pfft”. I never really took in how much a person is there for you until you start feeling them slip away. He always told me he was there for me when I needed him, and told me I could always talk to him. But I always laughed it off, and shooed it away because I thought it was the corniest thing ever.
I did need someone to talk to. I did need that support. I did need him to talk to. But what do I do? I just put him down and tell him I tried but he was never there. I put him down, instead. I blamed it on him. I made him feel like shit. When I was on the verge of failing that programming course, that’s when it all started- which, by the way, I don’t excuse my behaviour at all. I just knew all the people around me were smarter than I was. I knew these people were passing the course with flying colours. I knew that they had no trouble with it. That’s when my heavy heart started coming back. That’s when I started to feel alone. Even, let’s call him Ryan, made me feel like he was in that pack. I started to feel like there was no one who could understand. Suddenly everything he said to me started to feel condescending, everything he did started to make me question what people thought of me, and if he really thought I was stupid.
I found out mid-exam week that I failed 3E04 and I remember my heart just feeling like it broke. I remember crying for an hour outside in the winter cold, sitting by the locked entrance of ABB, and talking to my mom who just wouldn’t understand. “Well what are you going to do now? You already failed two courses,” she would remind me every five seconds. I just remember feeling like the biggest idiot. I remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Monika came out and she comforted me, telling me things I wanted to hear, and it made me feel good for a while, but it just never left my head. It never left my head that I was the odd one out in this program.
When Christmas break came, I was still waiting for my final course grade to be posted up. At this point, I started doubting myself and I wasn’t sure if I passed this course too. Thermodynamics was a key course that’s needed for literally all my classes this semester and if I failed it, I would be out of school for a semester. For the two days I had off, before work started, I would be in my bed, feeling sorry for myself and lying in the dark. I would use the excuse “I’m watching vlogs” to be lying in my room all day, but the truth was I couldn’t deal with myself. I wanted to punish myself. I didn’t want to be happy until I knew I passed thermodynamics. And if I didn’t? Literally, the worst things imaginable came into mind. I thought about running away. I never thought about it completely, but I did have the slightest thoughts about completely ending it for like 0.0001 seconds before shaking my head away from it. Going out with my friends started to feel impossible because I knew I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve to be out there having fun. Janine, you failed, you don’t deserve anything. You just blew $900. You’re a fucking idiot.
I remember just lying down and I couldn’t relax. My heart just wouldn’t stop racing. I would cry all the time. I eventually fell sick and I caught the flu. I called off work for a day, and I was in bed for a good three days straight. In the dark. With no noise. I would sleep for a few hours, wake up, and just lie down, thinking, which was terrible. My dad came into my room once, with my back against the door, my whole body covered in a blanket like a burrito, and I remember him asking if I was okay. “Yeah, I’m just sick,” I would tell him.
It wasn’t fair to my parents who haven’t seen me in months, and it didn’t help that if I wasn’t in bed sick, I would be working every day 8-16 hours. I couldn’t help it. If I wasn’t at work, with my mind busy, I would be at home in bed worrying about it. I could easily hang out with my parents who were home majority of the time to keep me company and keep those bad thoughts away, but I remember catching myself laughing then telling myself to stop because I don’t deserve to be happy.
It’s sad to think that I thought it was convenient that I fell sick because it made me miss family parties and New Years Eve countdown. It’s sad to think that I was happy I was working Christmas Eve so I didn’t have to spend time with my family. I spent New Years Eve at midnight in bed. I remember hearing my parents and younger sister greeting each other and yelling when the clock struck 12:00. I remember looking at the clock at 12:01, and holding onto the blankets hoping they wouldn’t come down to greet me. I wanted to block out the noises. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be happy. I constantly reminded myself I was a failure.
It was hard because I wanted to tell my mom I loved her, I wanted to hang out with my dad, I wanted to make jokes with Jenny- but it was so fucking hard. It was so fucking hard to be happy.
When it was my parents’ anniversary, we went to a Japanese restaurant and we were all enjoying ourselves. Even the staff were on their toes and cheering and just making the whole environment a fun and loud experience. We came into the restaurant and the staff felt warm and welcoming when they greeted us loudly at the door. We were seated and we ordered and after having a few entres and talking, suddenly, the thoughts about school and my grades and my non-existent friends started filling my head. I was drifted away from the conversation. My mind went somewhere else. I stopped talking. My mouth turned upside down. I started getting a headache with the waiters that I once thought were so welcoming. Their voices started to feel intimidating and I started feeling attacked. “Are you okay?” My little sister asked me, and like I always did, I just used my illness at the time to explain why I was acting so funny.
These past four months just made me feel like everything I touched, I just destroyed. I wrecked my relationship with my family, my grades, my friendships- and I’m very aware I do it, but I continue doing it anyway.
Today, I found out I passed thermodynamics!!! The worried thoughts I had during the break have taken off, and even though I am a year behind still, I will try my fucking best this year. Although Ryan is probably not going to talk to me, or will hold a grudge, I’m still going to try to make amends. I’ll tell him eventually why I acted that way and what happened, but maybe not now, especially if he has a grudge against me. I’ll start appreciating the people I have around me. I’ll start doing things that make me happy. I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself. I’ll start working hard. I’ll start doing things I’ve never done before.
It’s going to be hard to bounce back to my family after acting so weird, and especially to Ryan who I’ve treated like shit, but I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want them to think I ever taken them for granted. I’m sorry. I really am.
With 2017 here, a new year, I’m not going to say a new me. I just take this as my final entry about 2016 and to finally moving on. To going to the gym, to studying hard in school, to keeping and appreciating friendships, and to do things that make me happy, welcome home, 2017.