Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater: Tips on How to Get Over A Cheating Buffoon

It hurts. It really does. It hurts thinking about him kissing someone else and giving someone else the attention you deserve. I always told myself that if I were to ever get cheated on, that would be it. I would end it right there and then.

As much as I wanted to, and still do, I couldn’t find myself to. I never hated someone so much in my life, to turn my trust into gush like that. It’s like when I’m with him, I feel like everything’s okay, but the few hours I’m not with him, I can’t help but think he’s with someone else. He’s thinking about someone else. He’s getting head from someone else. And suddenly, I’m acting like a bitch, I’m lashing out, and I’m crying in my closet in the complete dark, hating myself more and more.

I’m an idiot for taking him back. I’m an idiot for even thinking that things will be okay. I’m fooling myself all the time whenever I’m with him, but it’s just that he broke that trust. He literally crushed it and there’s no way of fixing it without making me doubt his intentions.

So this is my route to recovery.

Accept that he cheated and it was no reflection of what you did 

It took me a while to even believe that he did. I just cried all the time, thinking that it was my fault. If I was just awake for those 7 hours I was taking a nap (fucking dick, right?), he wouldn’t have cheated on me. He wouldn’t have met up with that girl, and we wouldn’t be in this mess. I’ve been told though, however, once a cheater always a cheater, and if he had it in his mind, consciously, to meet up with that hoe, then he’s always had that thought in his head, with or without you. This wasn’t your fault. He was the dick. He made the mistake. He made that conscious decision.

Remind yourself of your life before him

You were able to be a person before him. I know it’s hard to picture your life before you met your SO (technically not my SO, because we don’t even have a title. Exclusive, but no title), but you did have one. You’re a student at university at school for a reason. You had friends to talk to before this. You were able to be happy before him. You were your own person before he came along, and you can be the same once he’s gone. You lived before him, you can live again after him.

Distract yourself; out of sight, out of mind 

My really good friend reminded me that everything takes time. Before Chris, I was fawning over the Australian babe and was absolutely devastated for a week and then I met Chris and I suddenly became over. Between the time of getting over him and meeting Chris, I felt like time really did heal me. It was just, I didn’t know whether it was because I met a new guy, or it was because it took a week. Either way, the time away from Australia was a complete cut-off. I didn’t speak to him. I didn’t look at his Facebook. I didn’t stalk him on Instagram. And I never allowed myself to see him at events. I found myself to be less dependent on him and realize how much I was worth now that he was gone out of my life (refer to point #2). It was so hard for me to move on from Chris (still am… still in the stage of fixing things…), but the only reason is because I allow myself to talk to him every day, see him every day, and think about him every day. Delete the photos. Delete the memories. Go do your homework.

(Updated list after the official break up)

Don’t Be Selective on Advice

I used to go on Tumblr, looking for reassurance posts of taking your “boyfriend” back after he cheated. The ratio of posts on “end it completely” to “he can change” were probably 100 to 1. More girls were telling me that once he cheats, it’s over. He thought about someone else. It won’t go back to how it was before, sweetie. But I was still searching for that 1 post that would tell me, “It’s okay, he apologized for it. Give him a second chance” or the posts that say “I feel like this break up really helped our relationship and made him realize what I’m worth.” I’m sorry, what? If you need him to cheat to realize how fucking great you are, think again, love.  I look back now and I’m a complete idiot. I was purposely ignoring all the warning signs and I deliberately took the advice that works for one in a million. I thought I was the exception. I thought I could change him. But the truth is, he cheated. The worst thing you could ever do to someone you truly care about. He cheated and there is now way of coming back from that. Listen to the advice, don’t just try to listen to the advice that helps you.

Accept that things will never be the same

Once he cheats, he breaks that trust. You will constantly be thinking of what he did. Sure you can accept it and forgive, but it doesn’t change the fact he still did it. You can say you can forget about it, but can you really? There will always be times you will look back at what he did, and you can’t be with someone for years on end being constantly reminded of that. You will resent him. You will resent yourself. You will feel like complete trash. He slept with Becky, he was flirting with Patricia, he called Riley babe. It will never leave your mind and things will never be the same. “Yeah, but he promised to make it better and make it up to me.” Okay, yeah, he promises to make it up to you but for how long? The second he stops trying and going out of his way to make up to you, you will feel self-conscious again. You will feel like he’s slipping away. He’s going to start to feel he owes his whole life to you (which he does, because I mean c’mon asshole), but he will resent the relationship too. Once that trust is broken, there’s no way of repairing… which leads to the last point…

Accept that it’s over

I was an idiot, I will admit, for taking him back after he cheated on me. I thought things could go back to the way it was. I gave him excuses time after time, when my best friends would say I’m crazy for taking him back. “Well, we were in a fight”,  or “He was drunk”. And when he’d get frustrated with me for being frustrated that he didn’t talk to me for a whole day a few days after “making it up to me”, I apologized. Why? Why did I do that? I kept telling myself, “He has a right to be mad at me (even though he was the one that cheated) because I am becoming too needy (because he cheated on me and left me vulnerable).” I started blaming myself, I started apologizing for reacting how I did when he cheated, I started being the one at his feet… I was suddenly the one scared to lose him… The guy who went behind my back while I was sleeping to hook up with another girl… It’s over. It’s done. I couldn’t accept the fact that I was losing him so I did everything I could to keep him. Regardless of what he did, I still wanted him and I was so scared to lose him, I latched on hard. I couldn’t accept that it was over. The sooner you realize that it is over and that you 100% do not need that in your life, you just save yourself from the heartbreak later in the future. Let me tell you, if I told myself this the second he came to my apartment and told me what he did, I wouldn’t be as miserable as I was in May. I would’ve been the one who walked up and left. Instead, I gave him time to “make it up to me”, to promise me things we were going to do in the summer, to give me a sneak peak of “the perfect boyfriend”- all for him just to walk out and leave me the second summer started. Maybe breaking up with me had nothing to do with him cheating. Maybe it did. But regardless, you don‘t want that. You can keep telling yourself that “Oh, he came to my apartment and told me he cheated- I didn’t find out from anyone, and now he’s making it up to me.” This is because the stupid sucker knows he pulled a wrong. He doesn’t want you to leave him. He wants to be the one walking out the door when he can. And if he did truly care about you, another girl wouldn’t be in his mind when you’re MIA because you’re sleeping. 

It’s hard, I know. I’ve been there. I never thought it would happen. But it really does happen when you least expect it. Seriously, it is the most heartbreaking feeling ever. I remember locking myself in my dark closet, crying all the fucking time, and having that heavyhearted feeling every time I was alone. It just sucked. It sucked all the time. What made it worse that I kept it lingering on. A part of me knew it was over. A part of me knew all of these things, but I chose to ignore it and stay with him because I thought I was the exception. It sucks. The longer you let it linger on and stay in your life, the more harmful it will be to you. You will be there wondering if things will get better, you’ll wonder how long he will treat you like a princess until he leaves/cheats on you again. You will be in this constant state of wonder and you will never be at peace.

Trust me when I say it’s over. Walk out of there as soon as possible. Because the only worse thing than having an addiction and throwing away the cigarettes is continuously smoking it until you get lung cancer and well, die. Obviously not that extreme. It will hurt when you toss it, but it will hurt even more if you keep that buffoon in your life.

X’s and O’s,

Jani

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