Pumpkin Eater

It hurts. It really does. It hurts thinking about him kissing someone else and giving someone else the attention you deserve. I always told myself that if I were to ever get cheated on, that would be it. I would end it right there and then.

As much as I wanted to, and still do, I couldn’t find myself to. I never hated someone so much in my life, to turn my trust into gush like that. It’s like when I’m with him, I feel like everything’s okay, but the few hours I’m not with him, I can’t help but think he’s with someone else. He’s thinking about someone else. He’s getting head from someone else. And suddenly, I’m acting like a bitch, I’m lashing out, and I’m crying in my closet in the complete dark, hating myself more and more.

I’m an idiot for taking him back. I’m an idiot for even thinking that things will be okay. I’m fooling myself all the time whenever I’m with him, but it’s just that he broke that trust. He literally crushed it and there’s no way of fixing it without making me doubt his intentions.

So this is my route to recovery.

Accept that he cheated and it was no reflection of what you did 

It took me a while to even believe that he did. I just cried all the time, thinking that it was my fault. If I was just awake for those 7 hours I was taking a nap (fucking dick, right?), he wouldn’t have cheated on me. He wouldn’t have met up with that girl, and we wouldn’t be in this mess. I’ve been told though, however, once a cheater always a cheater, and if he had it in his mind, consciously, to meet up with that hoe, then he’s always had that thought in his head, with or without you. This wasn’t your fault. He was the dick. He made the mistake. He made that conscious decision.

Remind yourself of your life before him

You were able to be a person before him. I know it’s hard to picture your life before you met your SO (technically not my SO, because we don’t even have a title. Exclusive, but no title), but you did have one. You’re a student at university at school for a reason. You had friends to talk to before this. You were able to be happy before him. You were your own person before he came along, and you can be the same once he’s gone. You lived before him, you can live again after him.

Distract yourself; out of sight, out of mind 

My really good friend reminded me that everything takes time. Before Chris, I was fawning over the Australian babe and was absolutely devastated for a week and then I met Chris and I suddenly became over. Between the time of getting over him and meeting Chris, I felt like time really did heal me. It was just, I didn’t know whether it was because I met a new guy, or it was because it took a week. Either way, the time away from Australia (boy) was a complete cut-off. I didn’t speak to him. I didn’t look at his Facebook. I didn’t stalk him on Instagram. And I never allowed myself to see him at events. I found myself to be less dependent on him and realize how much I was worth now that he was gone out of my life (refer to point #2). It was so hard for me to move on from Chris (still am… still in the stage of fixing things…), but the only reason is because I allow myself to talk to him every day, see him every day, and think about him every day. Delete the photos. Delete the memories. Go do your homework.

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