Life is looking good up here

Besides losing an exponential amount of friends in my program, I can honestly say that I feel my life is picking itself back up again.

It’s frustrating being the dumb one in my program, especially being surrounded by insanely smart people. It’s also hard that I have my extra-curricular activities that occupy 75% of my time, leaving literally nothing for school and sleep. After January though, I hope that’s when my school life starts to pick up again. Everything starts February, so that’s when I’m definitely on a roll and a social cleanse.

This week has been good. Stressful, but good.

After weeks of planning this coffee house event, thank God, Finlay, Liam, and I finally accomplished it tonight. We’ve been working on this idea since the beginning of December and it finally came together, successfully at that. I performed my original song for the first time in front of a crowd. I screwed up, but that didn’t stop everyone from complimenting me, which felt incredibly AMAZING, by the way. I was on a rush. I had this feeling of greatness spike up inside me when I ended the last strum. I could see Chris move up from the crowd and lean on the side of the stage to watch me. I was told Finlay was Snapchatting me when I was on stage. I had people I have never talked to before tell me how amazing I did. All these compliments and attention felt nice. It felt warm and fuzzy, which was something I needed, especially after all the stress I gained from planning this event, from school, and from the people from my program. It just felt nice.

Tomorrow’s a new day, and I promised myself I was going to do better in school. This weekend I have a lot to catch up on and a lot to start reading. I need to be a better student. This is my chance to start over. No more boys. No more obsessing over something that could happen, and focus on the reality of the things. I need to remember that my future depends on my work ethics right now, and depends on everything I do in college.

Speaking of which, I have classes in like a few hours and I should probably head to bed.

It feels nice knowing I was in the minds of people tonight as a talented person. It also sucks that this event is done and I sort of feel a little empty. I feel like a part of me is just gone and it’s absolutely a terrible feeling. It could be my period. It could be the season. But some part of me goes to bed feeling guilty, like I’m forgetting something. It feels like I seriously have nothing to wake up for. But I mean, like I said, that could be my period talking again. I hope.

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Updates

It’s crazy how much things can happen within just a week. I’ve been suffocated by so much responsibility, planning, and problems that takes forever to fix. I’m currently in between classes, and I have to wait until tomorrow to talk to my professor before I can decide whether or not I can take this certain course. The deadline’s on the 12. Then the recruitment team from Pi Kappa Alpha and I are planning a coffee house event but none of the venues are being responsive to us. I have all these other events to keep up with, and then I have to also plan my life because school is already feeling intense with all these group projects, assignments, quizzes- oh my goodness. Then there’s my chemical engineering club which I have fundraising events every week for, so I have to email people, coordinate stuff, and it’s just all too much!!!!

My Estee Lauder application is due tomorrow and although I worked so hard on my cover letter and resume that I could hand it in tonight, it’s like I’m putting it off because I’m terrified it’s not good enough. Then there’s house hunting, which isn’t going too well. We signed a lease yesterday and we were so ready it call it ours, but guess what? Literally a few hours, a group of people came in with $800 in cash each and snatched the house right under us. Ain’t that something? Now we’re just stressing even more because we have more houses to look at and it’s just so overwhelming…

I’m probably going to go back to applying for co-op jobs then ending the night reading some 3G.

Until then, I’ll talk to you later! Keep you updated.

A Letter to 2016

I wanted to make a separate post about this because I never really did talk to anyone about how the past two months made me feel.

After losing my really good friends, I thought I deserved better. I thought, “Fuck that, I don’t need that in my life.” I started feeling invincible and started feeling like I deserve the fucking best.

I started running back to my old chemical engineering friend, who I treated like shit in the beginning of the school year. In October, November, and all the way into December with last minute assignment dates and exam week, my bitchiness started accumulating. I started yelling at him, started picking fights, and I eventually came to that point where I drove him away. I thought, “He’s going to stick by my side forever, pfft”. I never really took in how much a person is there for you until you start feeling them slip away. He always told me he was there for me when I needed him, and told me I could always talk to him. But I always laughed it off, and shooed it away because I thought it was the corniest thing ever.

I did need someone to talk to. I did need that support. I did need him to talk to. But what do I do? I just put him down and tell him I tried but he was never there. I put him down, instead. I blamed it on him. I made him feel like shit. When I was on the verge of failing that programming course, that’s when it all started- which, by the way, I don’t excuse my behaviour at all. I just knew all the people around me were smarter than I was. I knew these people were passing the course with flying colours. I knew that they had no trouble with it. That’s when my heavy heart started coming back. That’s when I started to feel alone. Even, let’s call him Ryan, made me feel like he was in that pack. I started to feel like there was no one who could understand. Suddenly everything he said to me started to feel condescending, everything he did started to make me question what people thought of me, and if he really thought I was stupid.

I found out mid-exam week that I failed 3E04 and I remember my heart just feeling like it broke. I remember crying for an hour outside in the winter cold, sitting by the locked entrance of ABB, and talking to my mom who just wouldn’t understand. “Well what are you going to do now? You already failed two courses,” she would remind me every five seconds. I just remember feeling like the biggest idiot. I remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Monika came out and she comforted me, telling me things I wanted to hear, and it made me feel good for a while, but it just never left my head. It never left my head that I was the odd one out in this program.

When Christmas break came, I was still waiting for my final course grade to be posted up. At this point, I started doubting myself and I wasn’t sure if I passed this course too. Thermodynamics was a key course that’s needed for literally all my classes this semester and if I failed it, I would be out of school for a semester. For the two days I had off, before work started, I would be in my bed, feeling sorry for myself and lying in the dark. I would use the excuse “I’m watching vlogs” to be lying in my room all day, but the truth was I couldn’t deal with myself. I wanted to punish myself. I didn’t want to be happy until I knew I passed thermodynamics. And if I didn’t? Literally, the worst things imaginable came into mind. I thought about running away. I never thought about it completely, but I did have the slightest thoughts about completely ending it for like 0.0001 seconds before shaking my head away from it. Going out with my friends started to feel impossible because I knew I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve to be out there having fun. Janine, you failed, you don’t deserve anything. You just blew $900. You’re a fucking idiot.

I remember just lying down and I couldn’t relax. My heart just wouldn’t stop racing. I would cry all the time. I eventually fell sick and I caught the flu. I called off work for a day, and I was in bed for a good three days straight. In the dark. With no noise. I would sleep for a few hours, wake up, and just lie down, thinking, which was terrible. My dad came into my room once, with my back against the door, my whole body covered in a blanket like a burrito, and I remember him asking if I was okay. “Yeah, I’m just sick,” I would tell him.

It wasn’t fair to my parents who haven’t seen me in months, and it didn’t help that if I wasn’t in bed sick, I would be working every day 8-16 hours. I couldn’t help it. If I wasn’t at work, with my mind busy, I would be at home in bed worrying about it. I could easily hang out with my parents who were home majority of the time to keep me company and keep those bad thoughts away, but I remember catching myself laughing then telling myself to stop because I don’t deserve to be happy.

It’s sad to think that I thought it was convenient that I fell sick because it made me miss family parties and New Years Eve countdown. It’s sad to think that I was happy I was working Christmas Eve so I didn’t have to spend time with my family. I spent New Years Eve at midnight in bed. I remember hearing my parents and younger sister greeting each other and yelling when the clock struck 12:00. I remember looking at the clock at 12:01, and holding onto the blankets hoping they wouldn’t come down to greet me. I wanted to block out the noises. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be happy. I constantly reminded myself I was a failure.

It was hard because I wanted to tell my mom I loved her, I wanted to hang out with my dad, I wanted to make jokes with Jenny- but it was so fucking hard. It was so fucking hard to be happy.

When it was my parents’ anniversary, we went to a Japanese restaurant and we were all enjoying ourselves. Even the staff were on their toes and cheering and just making the whole environment a fun and loud experience. We came into the restaurant and the staff felt warm and welcoming when they greeted us loudly at the door. We were seated and we ordered and after having a few entres and talking, suddenly, the thoughts about school and my grades and my non-existent friends started filling my head. I was drifted away from the conversation. My mind went somewhere else. I stopped talking. My mouth turned upside down. I started getting a headache with the waiters that I once thought were so welcoming. Their voices started to feel intimidating and I started feeling attacked. “Are you okay?” My little sister asked me, and like I always did, I just used my illness at the time to explain why I was acting so funny.

These past four months just made me feel like everything I touched, I just destroyed. I wrecked my relationship with my family, my grades, my friendships- and I’m very aware I do it, but I continue doing it anyway.

Today, I found out I passed thermodynamics!!! The worried thoughts I had during the break have taken off, and even though I am a year behind still, I will try my fucking best this year. Although Ryan is probably not going to talk to me, or will hold a grudge, I’m still going to try to make amends. I’ll tell him eventually why I acted that way and what happened, but maybe not now, especially if he has a grudge against me. I’ll start appreciating the people I have around me. I’ll start doing things that make me happy. I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself. I’ll start working hard. I’ll start doing things I’ve never done before.

It’s going to be hard to bounce back to my family after acting so weird, and especially to Ryan who I’ve treated like shit, but I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want them to think I ever taken them for granted. I’m sorry. I really am.

With 2017 here, a new year, I’m not going to say a new me. I just take this as my final entry about 2016 and to finally moving on. To going to the gym, to studying hard in school, to keeping and appreciating friendships, and to do things that make me happy, welcome home, 2017.

Happy 2017

I can’t lie to you. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried blogging to be a thing for my “New Years Resolution” – it kinda dates back to fifth grade when I thought blogging on Livejournal.com would be really cool. I got really into it actually, got my friends to join it too. It was a good place to really release all the things I had bottled inside, because let’s be real, a fifth grader really had a lot of things going on. Years after that, I’ve tried blogging at Tumblr, but it always ended up with me talking about the boys I was “seeing” at the time, and that was definitely not appropriate to call a “blog”.

I want to blog my life. The hardships I’m going through. I want to blog about everything, including boys, not it being the main spotlight (literally, all I ever did was rant about boys… cry about boys… pep talk about boys).

So here I am, making a comeback and trying to do something new. I made this a promise on my last Tumblr that I was never going to talk about boys, but I mean, eventually it did shift off, which I am a little half disappointed about. Not really full because it was a good place to vent.

The past year has been an emotional rollercoaster, and I can admit that it was not my favourite year. 2016 was full of broken friendships, getting hurt, and failing courses. I’ve lost so many people I thought would be my best friends forever. These were the people I thought were going to be at my wedding, and who I was going to grow old with. I got hurt by the same guy, but definitely not his intention. I just seem to latch onto guys that don’t really think twice about me, or care to fulfill anything more. It’s my fault though. I just tend to put myself in a position where he could hurt me (not physically), but it’s no reflection of him all. I failed Calculus IV, and a programming course, so that’s nice too. Two courses already and I’m only in my third year. So failing that programming course last semester really held me back a year, which sucks because it totally pushed me off track. After breaking it off with my friends earlier in the school year, I thought, “At least I have only two more years left to see them.” But now, I’m going to be staying another year and since they decided to spread out their courseload to stay another year, I’ll be seeing more of them than I thought.

I used to love university, and I used to love coming back to Mac and feeling so happy, but it’s just like this past year really did take a toll on me, and it feels like it’s impossible to bounce back.

I’ve never talked to anyone about this because all I’ve ever done was be a bitchy whiner, and I tend to push away anyone else who latches on to me. It’s like to this day, I never appreciated the people who made a genuine effort to stay in my life. I treated them like absolute shit, and it’s all just really hitting me. I could be overthinking, this could be my anxiety talking, but this is my hidden apology. It’s a little too late, but I am sorry.

I just hope the people who’ve treated me badly and that I’ve treated badly can move on from this too and start over with the new year. I’m sick of feeling sad all the time and feeling like I have no support. I’m sick of doing this shit to people and ending up hurting myself the most in the end. I would never want to relive 2016, and I definitely do not want to bring that into 2017. I’m thankful it happened, I’m thankful for being able to reflect and see where the problem areas light up. I’m just hoping for the best.

As cliche as this sounds, I really do hope 2017 brings new adventures, new feelings, and new happiness. I’m ready to start over, love myself, and achieve my optimal in school.

Here’s to starting over and being the best person I can be.