Expectations (Part 1)

This morning was good. The sun was out, the clouds were gone… It feels like my mood is dependent on the weather, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I know I get super depressed if it’s raining outside. Today will be a good day. Today, I will dedicate it to work and dedicate it to myself. I can’t get distracted. I need to get a 100% in mechanical engineering, and I need to at least get a 10 in my other classes. My goal is to end this year with a 10 and I can’t fail myself. Or at least a 9.

The thing is, I’ve always been dependent on guys and been always dependent on what other people think of me. As you can read from the previous posts… I keep telling myself I need to learn to be independent and stop worrying so much about what people think of me. I need to go out with the intention of having fun, than meeting a guy. I need to put on make up to make me feel good about myself. I need to go to the gym with the intention of making myself feel satisfied with my body.

There are so many things I need to do and do it especially for me. I need to realize that boys will come and go, and people will too. These people won’t matter in a couple years. Few months. Next month, I’m completely starting over and I don’t get to have this cloud over my head. But you know what caused all this in the first place?

It was my expectations.

It was my expectations of high school, my expectations of friends, my expectations of university… my love life- seriously, all my problems rose from expectations. I expected to be Ms. Popular in high school – didn’t work out. I thought of these movies and TV shows, and it’s nothing like that. Maybe to some, but I can’t compare my life to someone’s highlight. I thought I was going to find someone in university, because that’s what happens in the movies too, but… that’s not the case either. We idolize meeting someone in a class by accidentally dropping your pen, or bumping into someone and then falling in love, but it’s like… life’s not like that either. I had these expectations before I even got into it, and I was upset when it didn’t happen. With Chris, I was upset when he didn’t message me every single day, or want to FaceTime, because that’s what all the other couples did. I just constantly kept expecting and in the end, it was only hurting myself.

When I leave this May, I need to realize that I shouldn’t expect anything. I shouldn’t wish for anything. It’s not going to happen. I shouldn’t talk about it, and I should just focus on the present. I need to live in the now, and everything will unfold on its own. If it’s meant to be, it will be, and I’m not going to force my way into anything.

Here’s to moving on.

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Here’s to you

I honestly be so happy when I thought about you or your face, or when anything/anyone would mention you. I used to light up seeing your name on Facebook or Instagram, and now? I hate it. I hate seeing you around, I roll my eyes whenever I see your name, and I actually almost want to gag when someone mentions your name.

You are not a gentleman.

You are not a nice guy.

And you are a piece of shit.

I used to excuse your actions because you were “such a nice guy” or that everyone “loves” you, but frankly, I’m so fucking over that. I’m so over defending the guys that hurt me because they had good reasons or because it was wrong timing.

Chris told me he wouldn’t give me the time and attention I deserve.

Max said it was just wrong timing.

It was always a problem, always an excuse, and I’m so over being upset thinking that I was always at fault. Because it’s not. If they can’t see me for who I am and how great I am, then it’s not worth crying over. It’s not worth messing with my self esteem.

Screw getting upset and excusing the boys that hurt me just because they were genuinely a nice guy, because a nice guy wouldn’t fuck you over. A nice guy wouldn’t make you feel this way.

So here it is, I am so fucking over chasing after you, pining after you, thinking about you, and believing that you’re not like other guys. I’m over putting you on a pedestal and telling everyone it was fine because you’re a gentleman.

Fuck. That.

Thank you, though, for making me feel good for a few days. Fuck you for screwing me over a few days after. But thank you overall for making me realize my self worth and that I don’t deserve this.

Fuck you.

All of this isn’t going to matter in a year

I don’t understand why I’m so stuck on the idea of going to formal with him. I don’t know why I’m so fixated with him asking me to go with him, nor do I know why all my thoughts are consumed with how¬†good we’d look together if we went. I’m just so sad thinking that I’m just not worth it. I need to stop being such a pity party and know my worth. If I’m not the one for this one, then I will be for the next one. If not, for the next one.

I have to stop thinking that I’m always the one at fault. It’s just not meant to be, and that’s not at all my fault. And if he doesn’t- when he doesn’t bring me to formal, I need to understand that it’s nothing on me. I would’ve been a good date. I really would’ve been, and if he doesn’t see that, then that is no reflection of you. Understand that this shit isn’t going to matter in a few years. You’re not going to look back in a year and get sad over the fact he didn’t ask you. Maybe you will, but it will be the smallest feeling.

Just a year ago, you were in the arms of Chris’, in his stupid flower shirt, with a St. Paddy’s hat snapped around your belt hoop. You saw that picture and got sad, but are you still thinking about him? No.

At the end of the day, if you’re not sad about this guy, you’ll be sad about another guy, and another, and another. All this shit won’t matter in a year, I promise you. And he isn’t the perfect guy. If he was perfect, he would be with you.

You used to be so crazy over Mitchell, but now you’re not afraid of acting a certain way to him. He’s your friend. Mike? You were crazy about him too, and look, you don’t even care that you guys don’t talk. You understand that if it is meant to be, it will be. You’re fixated on the idea of Max because he’s technically the last guy you were with.

It’ll be sad if he takes D.P or even S.N, but honestly, that shouldn’t matter to you. You have your own life. He has his. You bought a dress that would be perfect for formal, but you know what, fuck it, save it for another time.

If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If he likes you enough, he would’ve put an effort. But clearly, he didn’t. Listen to me when I said that love is mutual, and effort especially. Don’t put in 100% of the work, when he puts in nothing.

You deserve more than chasing after a guy two years younger than you, who’s starting to live his life. You’ve lived two more years than he has, and you can’t be accountable for that. You’re leaving in a month. Fixate on that.

Engrave it in your mind that he’s taking D.P. He’s not taking you. And that’s okay. Let her have him. Let you have you.

First place

Kinda sucks how I still put myself into these positions where I’m compromising my independence. I don’t want to be surrounded by these people and I don’t want to be the girl who’s still in high school. I’m bored. I want bigger. I want better. I want better mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m tired of all the emptiness feeling I get when I hang out with these people and surround myself with people who make me feel like shit.

I deserve so much better than I led myself on. I deserve to be happy all the time, and not just sometimes. Maybe getting drunk every weekend is not an ideal scenario, regardless of FOMO or not. Because at the end of the day, the only thing I’ll be missing out is my well being. And if I get upset every single night out, then it’s not worth it at all to be doing this to myself.

There’s always new ways of making memories and going out is not a part of that. I need to take care of myself and I need to isolate. I need to be my own person for a while and stop surrounding myself with negativity – or at least putting myself in situations where I can’t be myself nor put myself first.

No looking back

I just want to move forward. I don’t want to look back and get sad over all the people I lost in my life, or what could’ve happened if I’ve done this, or think about what I did wrong because I never got this… or he never fell in like with me… Like all that bullshit.

I spend so much time looking back at all the things in my past and often get so worked up about it. I get sad over the people that were once in my life, that made an effort to see me, and suddenly just stopped. But you know what? I’m seriously over it.

I’m seriously over trying to win the hearts of people who wouldn’t give a damn if I left. These aren’t friends. These aren’t the people in my life that I need.

I have my whole future ahead of me, with a whole new life ahead of me. I’m not going to waste my time trying to fit into a circle that was never welcoming in the first place. Civil, sure, but I’m over feeling like I have to act a certain way to impress them. I’m over feeling like I’m left out or that I’m a pity invite. How sucky is it that I feel embarrassed messaging asking what we’re doing on a weekend because I know they have a chat without me. How sucky is it that I call these people my best friends and they can go for days without speaking to me. It sucks. It really fucking sucks, but I’m not going to waste anymore energy feeling sad about it.

Just a few more weeks til school’s over and I’m moving on to a completely new place. I’m excited. I want to get the fuck out of here and become a completely new person. I want to be myself again and stop feeling like I’m left out of a clique.

I’m happy that summer’s around the corner because once that’s here, everyone drifts away, and the friends you think you had are all separated. That’s unless you have actual, real friends.

And that’s where I’m grateful for mine.

Fuck trying to fit in and being a part of something, the efforts I put in just to constantly feel left out.

Not worth it

It’s a brand new morning and I can honestly say that I feel so much better about myself. Slowly coming out of the depression, but kinda makes matter worse with the weather outside. It’s the middle of March, and it’s still snowing. I mean, it could be worse, right?

I’ve done quite a bit of thinking lately and I’m feeling a little better about the boys in my life. It’s like, I told Sarah, if it’s meant to be, it will happen. And as cliche as it sounds, everything happens for a reason, so I shouldn’t be regretting anything. I don’t regret anything. Everything that has happened in my life has been a blessing and made me who I am.

I mean, yes, I wish I didn’t like Chris the way I did, or I wish he had no part of my life, but it’s like, he taught me so much. Being with him taught me that I am a character and I deserve so much than I allow myself to have. I learned to be more accepting of the person I am and the love I deserve. I knew what a real relationship is like, and it was definitely not with him. I settle for boys who don’t give a shit about me, but give me a slight of hope that could come. That’s not a relationship. That’s not healthy.

I am actually an amazing person and if my significant other can’t see that, then they shouldn’t be significant at all.

A year from now, are any of these things going to matter? I hope to God no. I don’t want to be pining over a 19 year old cello player who is young enough to ask me to be his prom date, or be involved with a Greek community that cares about only “the boys”. I don’t want to be a part of a circle whose only goal in life is to party and fuck bitches- pardon my French.

As much as I love my guy friends, it’s just, that’s not me. I don’t want that to be my everything. I don’t want my whole life to be surrounded by boys or the party scene. I don’t want to be feeling like I need the approval of a social group to make my worth.

Expectations

After coming down from a god awful weekend last weekend (can’t say it was too bad considering I had the time of my life that weekend), I’m focused so much on school right now. So many things have crossed my mind.

I got a 100% on a midterm and I’m just as surprised (more like confused) as my prof who called to meet with the person who got the first 100% for all the ten years he’s been teaching mechanical engineering. He offered me a scholarship and asked to work with him after I graduate with my masters. I would be having a masters in Mechanical Engineering, rather than Chemical. I’m not entirely opposed to this, considering I’m specializing in polymers and materials manufacturing… It’s a cool idea, but considering they’re watching me, I have some high pressure on me right now and I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be okay.

Besides that, I visited the house I’ll be living in for the next year, and it was actually really nice!!! I pay the same price with half the size of room, and I’m incredibly excited. I met my girl roommate and I’m super happy that we got along. Everything’s looking up right now, and I’m really excited. The only things that I am worried about is just finishing this semester with high hopes of getting 11’s and 12’s, and it’s eating me up alive. I’m constantly anxious and I feel guilty just thinking about going out.

In my head, I think I’ll be okay, but on the other hand, I feel like I have all these expectations I need to meet and I don’t want to fail anyone. Boys are the last thing on my mind right now, and it feels great because I no longer have anxiety thinking about Max or Chris, but now, my mind is filled with thoughts of impressing my future supervisors at my new job, or impressing Eugene with my 100% exam- impossible, but I can seriously try.

I’m going to do it.

I want to be able to succeed in life. This is what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to be that girl who’s crazy over guys anymore. I want to, and I need to especially, grow up. I want to leave McMaster with a mindset that I have a future, and it’s mine. That future consists of me and only me, and not with the tears or revolving a guy.

I’m happy.

Stressed.

But I’m happy.