Man at the coffee house

I promised myself not to get involved, but I did anyway.

Remember that guy I mentioned back at the coffee house who moved up from the back to step up to listen to me while I sing? Chris? Yeah, so… I’m seeing him now.

After acting out with that stupid Australian (just kidding, he’s not stupid, and I’m just being immature), I met Chris. I mean, I knew him, but I actually went for this guy. It was at their fraternity wine and cheese, where I approached him and took him by the face and just macked him right there and then.

I mean I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know how I did that.

I was scolded later by one of my sorority sisters who told me we both had our own dates and it was incredibly rude to do that. True. I mean, it was a valid point, but I didn’t really regret it. She later told me that he told her he’s had a crush on me since forever and didn’t think I would go for him. To this day, he doesn’t know how I know about that, and I find it really cute how he plays it off that I’m the one who made the first move. Okay, technically yes I did. 

He told her that he was planning to ask me out on a date but for the whole week, I never heard from him at all. He liked my photo on Instagram, but that was the only sort of interaction I got from him. Boring.

The following week was an internal event with our sorority and fraternity and he was very much there, present and loud. Typical frat boy. We didn’t talk much in the beginning and I still felt kind of awkward that I made the first mood. It just kept replaying in my head how I kissed him in front of everyone, randomly. I liked it, couldn’t lie. I wanted to kiss him again. We met eventually and sat down and talked. Turns out we lived in the same area and his dad was my guidance counsellor in high school. Crazy, right?

I had “Kiss Me” written on my cheek and when he asked what it was, he proceeded to kiss me on the cheek, which sent chills down my back. That was so cute. My response was probably the dryest emotion on my face because I am not good with showing affection, nor emotion at all when it comes to these kinda things. Was I supposed to wink back? Kiss him back? Giggle? I didn’t know the protocol.

We talked about what we were planning to do after and he told me he was heading to Dirty Dogs, which I wasn’t down for because none of my sisters were heading there. He asked me what I was doing, and told him I wasn’t sure either. I was probably going to EPub, I told him. A part of me didn’t want him to go to Dirty Dogs and spend the night with me, and he asked me what I wanted. Don’t do this to me, I don’t want to seem desperate and ask you to come over.

“You tell me what you want me to do,” he said.

Yeah, you can’t say shit like that, Romeo.

For some reason, I found myself sitting with the Australian and I headed over EPub with him instead. I saw Chris leaving the room, with his coat, and he didn’t even say goodbye to me. In consolation, I had the Australian’s hands on my inner thigh and really close to me, so I mean…

We headed to EPub and the whole night the Australian was not paying attention to me and I was thinking all about Chris. I messaged him and carried a conversation over Facebook messenger. I was about to head out and A offered to come with. We got interrupted by all his friends as we were walking home, and one of his brothers drove by asking if I wanted a ride. YES, I DO.  I joined him and he drove me home where I came home to my roommates.

I told them all about Chris and how I wasn’t sure if I should try something or just leave it but they told me to go for it.

“Maybe it’ll be different this time, maybe he’ll be your next boyfriend!” They said to me.

They said the same thing about A. 

“Okay I’ll do it,” I said, as I began typing a message to Chris at almost 3 in the morning.

“Hey, what are you upto?” I asked.

“Just laying down, why, is everything okay?” He replied.

I didn’t know what to ask. I wanted him to come over to cuddle, and only cuddle, because what else could a virgin do at 3 in the morning? I had one of my roommates’ boy write for me.

“I was just going to ask if you wanted to come over, watch a movie, and a cuddle? That’s honestly all I really want right now,” he replied.

Chris replied back, “Honestly, I’d like that a lot.”

In a few minutes, he arrived at my place and when I came upstairs to pick him up, seeing him stand there, made me beyond nervous. I had to double think if I really wanted this. Jani, you’re just a horny little bastard who’s trying to get sOME CUDDLING ACTION. Do you really want this man? 

I was told later that he was on the phone with his Big, just upset about how things ended up with him and I after the mixer because he thought things were going so well, but we didn’t end up together. So when I messaged, he was really happy and freaking out over the phone with his Big, who then proceeded to call an Uber for him to reach my place because I live in the middle of nowhere and he lost his wallet. 

So he came over, we hung out in my room, we watched Sinister 2 (at like 5 in the morning, mind you) and at the end of it, we started making out and I told him too I was a virgin and that we couldn’t do anything more, which he was more than okay with. He respected me, and then continued to cuddle me (even though I wanted to do other stuff*), and it felt nice with him.

The next morning we woke up and he had to go to his pledge class. I said my good bye at my door and it was incredibly awkward, like the girl I am.

“So, like, I’ll talk to you later?” He said.

“Yeah, for sure, I mean, you don’t have my number…” I said.

“Oh right!” He takes his phone out, but I’m thinking about the bus he’s going to miss if he doesn’t leave now, so I don’t even offer to give my number.

We’re standing there for like two seconds until I just say “Okay, bye!” and rush him outside the door.

I eventually messaged him on Facebook giving him my number and my roommate who was watching us was telling me that I needed lessons on talking to boys. Yeah, I really did. But Chris didn’t seem to mind.

I was super skeptical about this guy since I wasn’t really looking for anything, nor was I looking for him. He just came into my life and I didn’t plan at all. When he started being super affectionate and… “clingy” in the beginning, I doubted all the time whether I wanted him. It was at the club, where he wouldn’t leave my side that I told him I hated PDA, how I hated being with him all the time- and since then, he’s been giving me space, even to the point where I get pissed off that he doesn’t even give me as much attention anymore. But this space is great. This amount of space keeps me wondering what he’s doing, when he’s going to message, and for me to chase after him. I like it. He’s still my man, but not really my man, but if a bitch were to ever cross me, I swear to God…

It’s funny to think in the beginning he was just that guy at the coffee house and now he’s the man I’m sleeping with twice a week. Huh, funny how this world works, right?


“You know this isn’t a long term thing, right?”

It shouldn’t affect me. Considering the fact I never really had feelings for him anyway. I thought, hey, a boy from Australia, showing me interest, really tall, cute accent- why not?

I suddenly got affected when we were lying in my bed, right after a makeout session, when he looked me straight in the eyes and told me what we have right now can’t make it for the long run. “Well, yeah, I live in Australia.”

“Oh,” I scoffed. “I know that. It’s fine, it’s totally cool.”

I lied. I mean, I had all this images in my head, like I always do whenever I meet a guy, which fucking sucks, how he could possibly be a potential boyfriend. How he could maybe one day meet my family- I don’t know, some corny bullshit like that. So when he told me that I was practically temporary, I didn’t know what to feel.

He is a frat boy. He is from the opposite side of the world. Like his hometown, his intentions could be the total opposite of mine.

He followed me on Instagram a few months back, and knowing he was a Pike from Australia, and that everyone in Greek life knew him, I followed him back. I didn’t know he would be the surprise visit at the coffee house and literally I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He talked to everyone. He knew everyone. Everyone knew him. He would talk to the people I was talking to, but I was completely oblivious to the fact that maybe he was trying to talk to me. It wasn’t til the end of the night and I was leaving that he approached me and told me that I looked familiar.

“Yeah,” I said. “We follow each other on Instagram.”

“Oh that’s where I’ve seen you from!”

We talked a bit more about where he was from, how long he was staying until, and when the next time Delta Psi Delta and the Pikes were going to host a thing together. I told him I wasn’t too sure and he asked if I was going to the party on Saturday. I shrugged, not knowing for sure if I was interested in wasting another night getting totally belligerent. “Maybe,” was all I said.

I had to end the conversation because my bus was fast approaching, so I told him I’d hope to see him again soon and when I was going to reach for a handshake, he hugged me. Nice guy, I thought. As I was walking out, he told me to add him on Facebook, which was totally weird because there I was, talking to a complete stranger, literally out of nowhere. He just landed from Australia too. He’s just being nice.

It was Saturday night when we arrived to the party when I immediately saw him. A 6’2 guy, blond hair, with the (not-so) thickest Australian accent. “You made it,” he said with a smile on his face. I went for a hug, but he lifted me up in midair. Either this man is super weird-nice or he’s into me. He spent a few minutes pretending to be at my height by squatting by the fridge door and talking to me face to face. We shared a small conversation and it was nice because of all the people in the room, it was me he decided to talk to. We separated for a bit then he popped out of nowhere, and asked if I wanted to dance. We danced for a bit, which was nice because usually the guys I dance with- cannot dance for the life of them. He was a good dancer. We made our way outside the patio and we started talking about engineering, his engineering job in Australia, how it was like in Australia… We bonded over being middle kids and Kendrick Lamar. We really clicked and it was a nice feeling being appreciated like that, especially with all the beautiful girls around us.

We would go back inside and when he would walk through the crowd, a bunch of the girls would stop to talk to him and as friendly as he would, he would engage in conversation too, but would shortly leave them to hold my hand and lead me back into a place of privacy- just him and I. We hooked up in a corner and the party ended.

We walked home for a bit, visited a pub, he sang a few songs, and then he walked me to the bus stop. We waited for my bus and it took a while. He was standing on the bottom curb, and I was at the top. It helped that I was wearing heels. He unzipped my coat to wrap his arms around my tiny little body, and we started making out intensely.

He started to laugh in between the kisses, and when I pulled away, I asked, “Why are you laughing?”

“I didn’t think this would happen from me following you on Instagram.”

He then told me how he asked around about me, if I was seeing anyone, or if anyone was trying to pursue me. Finlay told him that he’s sure many have tried, but none succeeded. Which felt nice to hear. I was unattainable, apparently. Or just really fucked up.

We ended that night with a long French kiss and he messaged me later that night, asking if I got home safe.

I invited him over the next night, where he came over at 10:30. We talked about music, played music in the background of his favourite songs. We talked a bit more about life and basically everything there was I could think of. We hooked up again and before I went intense, I told him I was a virgin and I wasn’t planning on losing my virginity that night.

Things still escalated, but still I promised myself I wouldn’t.

And I didn’t.

I think I scared him off, though. I think I told him I never did this, I never did things like this, and I never invited boys over, and I think that made him worry that I would catch feelings quick and why he would even say this isn’t a long term thing.

A part of me wants to message him and be like, “Buddy, I’m not looking into marrying you so you can stop keeping your distance, stop being scared, and we can easily hook up again with no strings attached.” But then again, would it really be worth it?

I haven’t talked to him since this morning, and he hasn’t messaged me.

It feels like Michael all over again where I slept over but we never talk for days after. I should get used to boys like this. This is the normal, right?

I always think it’s something special, but clearly it was just a one night stand.

Maybe I’m too inexperienced? Maybe my modesty and conserved values scared him off? Maybe overall once you get to know me, I’m not that special. Maybe the “sex” was bad.

I mean, I’m not too worried. I’m not too concerned. But it just sucks how the world works nowadays, or that’s entirely my fault.




Life is looking good up here

Besides losing an exponential amount of friends in my program, I can honestly say that I feel my life is picking itself back up again.

It’s frustrating being the dumb one in my program, especially being surrounded by insanely smart people. It’s also hard that I have my extra-curricular activities that occupy 75% of my time, leaving literally nothing for school and sleep. After January though, I hope that’s when my school life starts to pick up again. Everything starts February, so that’s when I’m definitely on a roll and a social cleanse.

This week has been good. Stressful, but good.

After weeks of planning this coffee house event, thank God, Finlay, Liam, and I finally accomplished it tonight. We’ve been working on this idea since the beginning of December and it finally came together, successfully at that. I performed my original song for the first time in front of a crowd. I screwed up, but that didn’t stop everyone from complimenting me, which felt incredibly AMAZING, by the way. I was on a rush. I had this feeling of greatness spike up inside me when I ended the last strum. I could see Chris move up from the crowd and lean on the side of the stage to watch me. I was told Finlay was Snapchatting me when I was on stage. I had people I have never talked to before tell me how amazing I did. All these compliments and attention felt nice. It felt warm and fuzzy, which was something I needed, especially after all the stress I gained from planning this event, from school, and from the people from my program. It just felt nice.

Tomorrow’s a new day, and I promised myself I was going to do better in school. This weekend I have a lot to catch up on and a lot to start reading. I need to be a better student. This is my chance to start over. No more boys. No more obsessing over something that could happen, and focus on the reality of the things. I need to remember that my future depends on my work ethics right now, and depends on everything I do in college.

Speaking of which, I have classes in like a few hours and I should probably head to bed.

It feels nice knowing I was in the minds of people tonight as a talented person. It also sucks that this event is done and I sort of feel a little empty. I feel like a part of me is just gone and it’s absolutely a terrible feeling. It could be my period. It could be the season. But some part of me goes to bed feeling guilty, like I’m forgetting something. It feels like I seriously have nothing to wake up for. But I mean, like I said, that could be my period talking again. I hope.


It’s crazy how much things can happen within just a week. I’ve been suffocated by so much responsibility, planning, and problems that takes forever to fix. I’m currently in between classes, and I have to wait until tomorrow to talk to my professor before I can decide whether or not I can take this certain course. The deadline’s on the 12. Then the recruitment team from Pi Kappa Alpha and I are planning a coffee house event but none of the venues are being responsive to us. I have all these other events to keep up with, and then I have to also plan my life because school is already feeling intense with all these group projects, assignments, quizzes- oh my goodness. Then there’s my chemical engineering club which I have fundraising events every week for, so I have to email people, coordinate stuff, and it’s just all too much!!!!

My Estee Lauder application is due tomorrow and although I worked so hard on my cover letter and resume that I could hand it in tonight, it’s like I’m putting it off because I’m terrified it’s not good enough. Then there’s house hunting, which isn’t going too well. We signed a lease yesterday and we were so ready it call it ours, but guess what? Literally a few hours, a group of people came in with $800 in cash each and snatched the house right under us. Ain’t that something? Now we’re just stressing even more because we have more houses to look at and it’s just so overwhelming…

I’m probably going to go back to applying for co-op jobs then ending the night reading some 3G.

Until then, I’ll talk to you later! Keep you updated.

A Letter to 2016

I wanted to make a separate post about this because I never really did talk to anyone about how the past two months made me feel.

After losing my really good friends, I thought I deserved better. I thought, “Fuck that, I don’t need that in my life.” I started feeling invincible and started feeling like I deserve the fucking best.

I started running back to my old chemical engineering friend, who I treated like shit in the beginning of the school year. In October, November, and all the way into December with last minute assignment dates and exam week, my bitchiness started accumulating. I started yelling at him, started picking fights, and I eventually came to that point where I drove him away. I thought, “He’s going to stick by my side forever, pfft”. I never really took in how much a person is there for you until you start feeling them slip away. He always told me he was there for me when I needed him, and told me I could always talk to him. But I always laughed it off, and shooed it away because I thought it was the corniest thing ever.

I did need someone to talk to. I did need that support. I did need him to talk to. But what do I do? I just put him down and tell him I tried but he was never there. I put him down, instead. I blamed it on him. I made him feel like shit. When I was on the verge of failing that programming course, that’s when it all started- which, by the way, I don’t excuse my behaviour at all. I just knew all the people around me were smarter than I was. I knew these people were passing the course with flying colours. I knew that they had no trouble with it. That’s when my heavy heart started coming back. That’s when I started to feel alone. Even, let’s call him Ryan, made me feel like he was in that pack. I started to feel like there was no one who could understand. Suddenly everything he said to me started to feel condescending, everything he did started to make me question what people thought of me, and if he really thought I was stupid.

I found out mid-exam week that I failed 3E04 and I remember my heart just feeling like it broke. I remember crying for an hour outside in the winter cold, sitting by the locked entrance of ABB, and talking to my mom who just wouldn’t understand. “Well what are you going to do now? You already failed two courses,” she would remind me every five seconds. I just remember feeling like the biggest idiot. I remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Monika came out and she comforted me, telling me things I wanted to hear, and it made me feel good for a while, but it just never left my head. It never left my head that I was the odd one out in this program.

When Christmas break came, I was still waiting for my final course grade to be posted up. At this point, I started doubting myself and I wasn’t sure if I passed this course too. Thermodynamics was a key course that’s needed for literally all my classes this semester and if I failed it, I would be out of school for a semester. For the two days I had off, before work started, I would be in my bed, feeling sorry for myself and lying in the dark. I would use the excuse “I’m watching vlogs” to be lying in my room all day, but the truth was I couldn’t deal with myself. I wanted to punish myself. I didn’t want to be happy until I knew I passed thermodynamics. And if I didn’t? Literally, the worst things imaginable came into mind. I thought about running away. I never thought about it completely, but I did have the slightest thoughts about completely ending it for like 0.0001 seconds before shaking my head away from it. Going out with my friends started to feel impossible because I knew I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve to be out there having fun. Janine, you failed, you don’t deserve anything. You just blew $900. You’re a fucking idiot.

I remember just lying down and I couldn’t relax. My heart just wouldn’t stop racing. I would cry all the time. I eventually fell sick and I caught the flu. I called off work for a day, and I was in bed for a good three days straight. In the dark. With no noise. I would sleep for a few hours, wake up, and just lie down, thinking, which was terrible. My dad came into my room once, with my back against the door, my whole body covered in a blanket like a burrito, and I remember him asking if I was okay. “Yeah, I’m just sick,” I would tell him.

It wasn’t fair to my parents who haven’t seen me in months, and it didn’t help that if I wasn’t in bed sick, I would be working every day 8-16 hours. I couldn’t help it. If I wasn’t at work, with my mind busy, I would be at home in bed worrying about it. I could easily hang out with my parents who were home majority of the time to keep me company and keep those bad thoughts away, but I remember catching myself laughing then telling myself to stop because I don’t deserve to be happy.

It’s sad to think that I thought it was convenient that I fell sick because it made me miss family parties and New Years Eve countdown. It’s sad to think that I was happy I was working Christmas Eve so I didn’t have to spend time with my family. I spent New Years Eve at midnight in bed. I remember hearing my parents and younger sister greeting each other and yelling when the clock struck 12:00. I remember looking at the clock at 12:01, and holding onto the blankets hoping they wouldn’t come down to greet me. I wanted to block out the noises. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be happy. I constantly reminded myself I was a failure.

It was hard because I wanted to tell my mom I loved her, I wanted to hang out with my dad, I wanted to make jokes with Jenny- but it was so fucking hard. It was so fucking hard to be happy.

When it was my parents’ anniversary, we went to a Japanese restaurant and we were all enjoying ourselves. Even the staff were on their toes and cheering and just making the whole environment a fun and loud experience. We came into the restaurant and the staff felt warm and welcoming when they greeted us loudly at the door. We were seated and we ordered and after having a few entres and talking, suddenly, the thoughts about school and my grades and my non-existent friends started filling my head. I was drifted away from the conversation. My mind went somewhere else. I stopped talking. My mouth turned upside down. I started getting a headache with the waiters that I once thought were so welcoming. Their voices started to feel intimidating and I started feeling attacked. “Are you okay?” My little sister asked me, and like I always did, I just used my illness at the time to explain why I was acting so funny.

These past four months just made me feel like everything I touched, I just destroyed. I wrecked my relationship with my family, my grades, my friendships- and I’m very aware I do it, but I continue doing it anyway.

Today, I found out I passed thermodynamics!!! The worried thoughts I had during the break have taken off, and even though I am a year behind still, I will try my fucking best this year. Although Ryan is probably not going to talk to me, or will hold a grudge, I’m still going to try to make amends. I’ll tell him eventually why I acted that way and what happened, but maybe not now, especially if he has a grudge against me. I’ll start appreciating the people I have around me. I’ll start doing things that make me happy. I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself. I’ll start working hard. I’ll start doing things I’ve never done before.

It’s going to be hard to bounce back to my family after acting so weird, and especially to Ryan who I’ve treated like shit, but I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want them to think I ever taken them for granted. I’m sorry. I really am.

With 2017 here, a new year, I’m not going to say a new me. I just take this as my final entry about 2016 and to finally moving on. To going to the gym, to studying hard in school, to keeping and appreciating friendships, and to do things that make me happy, welcome home, 2017.

Happy 2017

I can’t lie to you. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried blogging to be a thing for my “New Years Resolution” – it kinda dates back to fifth grade when I thought blogging on would be really cool. I got really into it actually, got my friends to join it too. It was a good place to really release all the things I had bottled inside, because let’s be real, a fifth grader really had a lot of things going on. Years after that, I’ve tried blogging at Tumblr, but it always ended up with me talking about the boys I was “seeing” at the time, and that was definitely not appropriate to call a “blog”.

I want to blog my life. The hardships I’m going through. I want to blog about everything, including boys, not it being the main spotlight (literally, all I ever did was rant about boys… cry about boys… pep talk about boys).

So here I am, making a comeback and trying to do something new. I made this a promise on my last Tumblr that I was never going to talk about boys, but I mean, eventually it did shift off, which I am a little half disappointed about. Not really full because it was a good place to vent.

The past year has been an emotional rollercoaster, and I can admit that it was not my favourite year. 2016 was full of broken friendships, getting hurt, and failing courses. I’ve lost so many people I thought would be my best friends forever. These were the people I thought were going to be at my wedding, and who I was going to grow old with. I got hurt by the same guy, but definitely not his intention. I just seem to latch onto guys that don’t really think twice about me, or care to fulfill anything more. It’s my fault though. I just tend to put myself in a position where he could hurt me (not physically), but it’s no reflection of him all. I failed Calculus IV, and a programming course, so that’s nice too. Two courses already and I’m only in my third year. So failing that programming course last semester really held me back a year, which sucks because it totally pushed me off track. After breaking it off with my friends earlier in the school year, I thought, “At least I have only two more years left to see them.” But now, I’m going to be staying another year and since they decided to spread out their courseload to stay another year, I’ll be seeing more of them than I thought.

I used to love university, and I used to love coming back to Mac and feeling so happy, but it’s just like this past year really did take a toll on me, and it feels like it’s impossible to bounce back.

I’ve never talked to anyone about this because all I’ve ever done was be a bitchy whiner, and I tend to push away anyone else who latches on to me. It’s like to this day, I never appreciated the people who made a genuine effort to stay in my life. I treated them like absolute shit, and it’s all just really hitting me. I could be overthinking, this could be my anxiety talking, but this is my hidden apology. It’s a little too late, but I am sorry.

I just hope the people who’ve treated me badly and that I’ve treated badly can move on from this too and start over with the new year. I’m sick of feeling sad all the time and feeling like I have no support. I’m sick of doing this shit to people and ending up hurting myself the most in the end. I would never want to relive 2016, and I definitely do not want to bring that into 2017. I’m thankful it happened, I’m thankful for being able to reflect and see where the problem areas light up. I’m just hoping for the best.

As cliche as this sounds, I really do hope 2017 brings new adventures, new feelings, and new happiness. I’m ready to start over, love myself, and achieve my optimal in school.

Here’s to starting over and being the best person I can be.