This morning was good. The sun was out, the clouds were gone… It feels like my mood is dependent on the weather, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I know I get super depressed if it’s raining outside. Today will be a good day. Today, I will dedicate it to work and dedicate it to myself. I can’t get distracted. I need to get a 100% in mechanical engineering, and I need to at least get a 10 in my other classes. My goal is to end this year with a 10 and I can’t fail myself. Or at least a 9.
The thing is, I’ve always been dependent on guys and been always dependent on what other people think of me. As you can read from the previous posts… I keep telling myself I need to learn to be independent and stop worrying so much about what people think of me. I need to go out with the intention of having fun, than meeting a guy. I need to put on make up to make me feel good about myself. I need to go to the gym with the intention of making myself feel satisfied with my body.
There are so many things I need to do and do it especially for me. I need to realize that boys will come and go, and people will too. These people won’t matter in a couple years. Few months. Next month, I’m completely starting over and I don’t get to have this cloud over my head. But you know what caused all this in the first place?
It was my expectations.
It was my expectations of high school, my expectations of friends, my expectations of university… my love life- seriously, all my problems rose from expectations. I expected to be Ms. Popular in high school – didn’t work out. I thought of these movies and TV shows, and it’s nothing like that. Maybe to some, but I can’t compare my life to someone’s highlight. I thought I was going to find someone in university, because that’s what happens in the movies too, but… that’s not the case either. We idolize meeting someone in a class by accidentally dropping your pen, or bumping into someone and then falling in love, but it’s like… life’s not like that either. I had these expectations before I even got into it, and I was upset when it didn’t happen. With Chris, I was upset when he didn’t message me every single day, or want to FaceTime, because that’s what all the other couples did. I just constantly kept expecting and in the end, it was only hurting myself.
When I leave this May, I need to realize that I shouldn’t expect anything. I shouldn’t wish for anything. It’s not going to happen. I shouldn’t talk about it, and I should just focus on the present. I need to live in the now, and everything will unfold on its own. If it’s meant to be, it will be, and I’m not going to force my way into anything.
Here’s to moving on.