Well, yeah, your girl went to formal and made a mistake- well, I’m not sure exactly if it’s a mistake, but I did. I went to formal, with the intention of just being me, being happy, and not caring about Max, just to end up going home with him, and being back where I was a few months ago. I was probably like a hundred steps left to getting over him, just to go a thousand steps back to where I started. Either way, I’m not too sure if it was a good idea to have him hold me, kiss me, and do the same things we did the other night. I mean, half of me doesn’t regret it, because I’m happy I got to spent a night with him again before I left to Cambridge… but also… I like him. A lot. He told me he liked me too, but he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Tbt to all the guys I have ever associated myself with.
Then it got me also thinking…. One of my really good girlfriends was into my guy friend and I tried setting it up. It didn’t really work out and he would tell me first hand what he thought about her, and it ended up badly, because he lost all feelings for her. He accidentally told her one night, drunkenly, that maybe they could see how things go when she comes back from her co-op, and really, really made her believe there was hope for something. He was incredibly nice, respectful, and it made her feel good for a while because she honestly thought he cared about her. But he didn’t.
So I sometimes sit and wonder, did the same thing happen with Max? Was he just caught in the fact he was in my bed, so he told me what I wanted to hear? Does he really even like me? He did say he liked hanging out with me and being with me- not necessarily “hey I like-like you”. But it sucks. Like here I am wondering if I’m just one of the girls he slept with, and not necessarily someone he truly cares about. He told me he wants to keep in touch. But so did my friend to my friend. I don’t even know what’s true or not.
But what I do know is that he made up his mind. He doesn’t want anything. Why should I waste time trying to change his mind? I told myself one more night was all I needed to get over it, and I did. It’s just the fact that it did happen, your brain is wired to think it’ll happen again. It’s not. Why should I want someone that doesn’t want me? If he really did want me, if I really was important, he would be with me right now. But he’s not. I’m holding on to the hope that I can change him, but I’ve been with these kind of guys before. The successful type. The guys who have dreams. The guys who are so well involved. And the guys who’ll always make me feel inferior (not intentionally). I need to be my own person in able to be with someone because I can’t depend on finding love and self-assurance from someone else. It’s over, and it’s done. As fun as it was, I just need to realize that if they don’t want a relationship, it’s not because of a valid excuse.
An excuse is an excuse. If there’s a will, there’s a way, and frankly, you’re not worth it to him. But good news is, if you’re not worth it to him, you will find someone who you will be to.